EP. 11 - “Overcoming Otherness: Trans and Queer Voices " with guest, Taylor. Taylor Putorti is a Chicago-based mental health advocate and nurse-in-training, proudly thriving as a Trans man with a passion for Allyship and self-acceptance.
Taylor talks with our Lance, both bold members of the LGBTQIA+ community, about everything from his own path to self-discovery, self-advocacy, self-love, and resilience.
They tackle talk on youth mental health, supporting and lifting Queer voices, and being brave enough to form your found family if that’s the path that leads to building a sustainable and loving support network. We thank Taylor for his service not only to NoStigmas, but for being a living example of truth, visibility, and love in this world. Be sure to tune in right here every Wednesday at 2 PM Eastern for more REAL talk with REAL people. You can also visit nostigmas.org/unsilent to watch, listen to, and read all of our conversations this season. We are survivors, thrivers, advocates, and Allies. We see you. We love you. BE UNSILENT 💚
SPECIAL THANKS TO: Guest: Taylor Putorti Host: Lance Bordelon MEET THE TEAM Video Editor: John Panicucci Producer: Eli Lawson IG @elawsonlistens Marketing: Lance Bordelon & Maggie Seagraves Executive Producer: Jacob Moore IG @jacobmoore www.nostigmas.org
#transmentalhealth #transvisibility #transstories #queermentalhealth #queerstories #transrepresentation #youthsuicideprevention #lgbtmentalhealth #lgbtstories #lgbtqiaplus #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalhealthsupport #mentalhealthstigma #mentalhealthstories #mentalhealthstoriesmatter #suicideprevention #mentalhealthallies #anxietyawareness #depressionawareness
SHOW NOTES:
Taylor:
I remember the exact moment when it clicked. I was reading this story about a trans man and it was just kind of, their whole process of transitioning and it was- I started crying like, oh my god, this is me.
Eli:
This is Unsilent. A Speak series from NoStigmas that champions mental health advocacy and challenges the stigmas that prevent people from getting the help they need. I'm Eli Lawson, a producer for the show. This week, NoStigmas’ Lance Bordelon will be having a conversation with Taylor, a longtime NoStigmas volunteer, nursing student, and fervent queer ally. We'll learn more about Taylor's past and how he wrestled with his trans and queer identity, all while being made to feel other, even by the people who are closest to him. But we’ll also experience the immense power of opening up and using modern day advances like the internet to find your community. Thank you for being here. If you want to learn more or contact us, visit nostigmas.org. Don't face it alone. Be Unsilent.
This week's episode contains examples of microaggression and identity related trauma. While there isn't anything explicit, it could be triggering for some. It's okay if you need to skip this one. Do what's right for you.
Taylor:
I'm a trans man. So growing up, I was female presenting. That's how I interacted with the world and how the world interacted with me. And there was a lot of stuff there with my mom basically picking out all my clothes and like, dressing me and having me being kind of like her little extension of herself.
Lance:
So traditionally more hyper feminine.
Taylor:
Oh, yeah, I used to wear dresses and have a little clip-in flower in my hair and have all the makeup. I still have some pictures from when I was in high school and it's pretty funny looking back, but um, yeah, hyper femme. And you know, she would say stuff like oh, I'm older now, but it doesn't matter because now you're beautiful and everyone will pay attention to you. And that sort of healthy stuff.
Lance:
Yeah, we're gonna get there.
(Laughing)
Taylor:
Yeah. But then, I mean, I remember being a little kid and just being like, well can girls marry each other? And the reaction just kind of being like, Ah, don't ask that. And I realized I was bisexual pretty early on. I think I was probably 13, if not earlier, where it was just like, Oh, girls girls are really pretty. I like girls, but also I like boys, so I can't be gay. I thought it was also normal for everyone to just sit around and you know, fantasize about, like, oh, what would it be like if I was a boy? You know, like, I would have X, Y and Z and I would do this and that and wouldn't I be so much happier? And growing up I was always friends with all guys and I would just be like, oh, yeah, I'm just one of the guys. And I'd always get told, yeah, you're not like any girl I've ever met, and how right we were!
Lance:
Where were you when you maybe first remember feeling like you're settling in yourself again? Or have you ever felt like you've really settled in?
Taylor:
Yeah, so I didn't really have words for that definitely growing up. I think again, going back, like I used writing a lot to kind of escape and be someone else or, you know, feel more like I was. I think I had a lot of internalized homophobia and transphobia. Just kind of growing up in an environment where like, Oh, that's a bad thing. But then I got to college. And actually, I kind of remember the exact moment when it clicked. I was reading this story about a trans man and it was their whole process of transitioning, and it was- I started crying like, Oh, my God, this is me. And at the time, I was like, oh, there's no way I could ever do it. I could never pass. I could never do X, Y and Z. But, I started getting the clothes. I identified as genderqueer for a while and I know that there are plenty of people who are just genderqueer and total respect for them, but I think I was more comfortable with that at first than fully embracing transness. And the more time I was able to spend away from my home life and out in the world and having new experiences and dating.
Lance:
And getting to choose who’s around you.
Unknown Speaker 5:05
Yeah, making my found family and then it just kind of progressed. And I actually do feel very secure in who I am and with the people I have around me. I have my best friend of eight, going on nine, years. My partner I've been dating for two years, we have holidays together and all that sort of stuff. And I have a job now where I didn't even need to come out. I just worked there as Taylor.
Lance:
I want to talk to you about young people feeling like they have to stay in environments, sit down and say in conversations, for lack of a better term, “take it” from people in their lives, because of a bunch of reasons. I mean, for myself, it was, I have to keep this person in my life because I'm biologically related. I have to sit through awkward conversations and be made to feel other at every family function because I'm biologically related to them, you know what I mean? So what is your perspective on youth who obviously cannot just up and relocate? They're still a part of a family system and they're still a minor, arguably. But they're exposed to a lot and they see a lot and there are probably a lot of feelings and a lot of thoughts stirring up, and what do you do? What do you do? You can't just leave your parents, and you don't necessarily want to. For a lot of people, like for me, I mean, that breaks my heart to have to break away in any way and there were times where we did but what's your take on that?
Taylor:
Yeah, well, I think one of the big things I worked through in therapy was the whole like, no one by default has the right to you and your time. People have to earn that spot close to you, and if they're not going to treat you well then you don't have to give it to them. But I would say for young people, finding your queer elders, wherever you can, is a really important step. And I mean, love it or hate it, the internet has made it so you can connect with people from all over the place. And there's a lot of great resources. So, you know, even if you're living in a really small town and you feel like there's no one like you, there are. There's whole communities. You obviously have to exercise some discretion about where you're meeting people online, but you know, finding people who you can talk to even in the NoStigmas group, you can find places like that where you will be supported and where people can listen to you. So, even if you're still having to sit through those kinds of traumatic situations where people are invalidating you or insulting you or making you feel like you're not right, then you can take that and you can go and vent it out to someone who understands and can reassure you like, no, what you're feeling is real and it's okay to feel it.
Eli:
If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org for support via live chat. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911. Other resources are linked in the show notes.
Lance:
Hearing you say that, look for your elders. I didn't do that. And I think it was very damaging to my process. I think I didn't look to anyone else. I let myself, I guess because I was already used to dealing with it, suffering in silence. I was like, Well, I'm going to go through this all by myself. I never ever thought to reach out to other people who were- I mean, I know that sounds kind of wild to say now on the other side of a decade, but I never thought about it. No one ever said that to me.
Taylor:
Yeah, no, I think it's really important and I think the thing that's been lost also is those important intergenerational experiences. Partly because so many queer people died of the AIDS crisis, you know, asking where are your queer elders, well, they died to an epidemic. But this new generation of up and coming queers, we're here for them, and there's more and more people, even in old age coming out. And I think it's really important to listen to their experiences, and also meet them where they're at. That's one thing with intergenerational relationships, like you got to meet people where they're at, but it's still really important to hear from them. And, I mean, your queer elder doesn't necessarily have to be like a 70 year-old person, they can be someone who's five years older than you and has already gone through the process of coming out and is living their life. But yeah, I do think it's important.
Lance:
What challenges have you faced as an adult now, you know, versus being a child in a situation that maybe you didn't have full control over? Like, what are some of the challenges that have hit you on this side of things?
Taylor:
Yeah, well, I mean, it is still hard as an adult. There is a lot of discrimination. I mean, I'm going into nursing in part because that can be a field that's more friendly to queer men. And also, it's a very necessary field, which means getting a job won't be as difficult. Because I worked in an office before and I didn't really love the environment that I was in, like, I wasn't really out, but getting a job anywhere else was kind of difficult. I'd be told stuff like, Oh, you're too friendly, or you laugh too much and that's why you can't be our secretary. And it would be like, uh-huh. I would get all these interviews with my resume and then they'd meet me in person and I would not get the call back.
Lance:
That's interesting. I mean, you kind of alluded, in the employment, have you had any micro moments that you've had to overcome in everyday life? I mean, I'm thinking, taking the subway or being in a restaurant or any other social situation where you felt that your identity was being challenged or somehow made to feel other? I mean, does that happen? I'm hoping it doesn't but…
Taylor:
It happens all the time.
Lance:
So what is that like? What is that like for you? And then what do you think that we can do to advocate for those who walk through those moments?
Taylor:
I don't know if it's the best advice or the most respectful advice, I guess, but it's kind of like, you do just have to let some of that roll off of you. Because at the end of the day, you can only control what you're doing. You can't control what other people are doing and saying. But I do think we are making some good strides towards, you know, asking people's pronouns and being more open and accepting that it's not just default, everyone is X or Y.
Lance:
I mean that’s sage advice because I can think back to so many moments growing up that I cared, and still probably to this day care too much about, or put too much of my value in others, period.Too much of my value in their opinion, expectations, whatever. So as a young person, especially as a young person who is maybe feeling like they are the only person in their world that they can see. They don't see anyone else like they can connect with. I can see that actually being the advice you should take is, you cannot change those people, all you can change is your reaction and how you see yourself. To me, I think growing up, that magnified. Like, my niece might say like, oh, well they said such and such and I didn't like it. Okay well, that feeling times 100 every day of the week is how I felt growing up. Did you feel that way? Did you constantly feel othered?
Taylor:
Yeah, well, yes and no, because I feel like I was a very good actor. So I think I played the part very well to the point where a lot of things weren't directed at me.
Lance:
Right.
Taylor:
But you know, you would still hear them. And it would still be like, oh. I mean, as I said, I had a lot of internalized transphobia where I was convinced that that was just a really bad thing.
Lance:
If you could have created a different landscape for yourself, if you could have crafted something that is ideal it for you, whatever that looks like to you. I know what it looks like to me.
Taylor:
I don't know what does it look like to you?
Lance:
To me? It looks like watching TV with my family and not being made to feel weird when two men kiss on TV, and not making myself feel weird when I see two men kiss on TV. Having conversations at a very young age before acting out and before making some really poor choices and before turning to a lot of things that were not ever making me feel better. To be able to have conversations and be heard at a young age is something that I would put in that box of, this would be great. Because I tried. I remember being like 13, not even 13, maybe 12 or 11 and really dropping hints, breaking the ice, you know, and I was told some pretty damaging stuff. Another thing I would say is what I would love, is if people that informed me for who I am, and I'm not saying it's a bad thing because there's a lot of great stuff that I got from my village growing up, but there's a lot of baggage that was put on my shoulders. That's not mine. I didn't check that bag at TSA. That's not mine. I don't want it. In a perfect world, that would not happen. For me, I think. Does any of that resonate with you?
Taylor:
Oh, yeah, absolutely. I think the thing about youth, and every generation kind of does saddle the next generation with all of their baggage and trauma, we talk about trauma as a cycle. It's like, that's how it happens. And that's why it happens because a lot of people don't sit down and work through their trauma and understand it. And that has been a very important thing for me, because if I ever had kids, I would not want to sadle them with all this stuff. But I guess the ideal world for me would be similar, where it's a very open and accepting space. At least accepting of things that aren’t hurting everyone else because when you go to a party a bunch, acceptance that can sometimes be bad.
Lance:
But I mean just the idea of, I'm not hurting anyone. I'm just me. What does my little existence have to do with anyone else and what harm am I causing my existing? And I think that message is what really breaks my heart. I talk about youth because you can't talk about an a queer identity and not talk about being a kid. Every person I've ever known has always started off, put in a box and had to fight their way out. Everyone, honestly. And somehow some are super lucky to have acceptance right away. But they're still starting off in the box, right? Like they’re not just brought up in a way that's like, I don't know, maybe let them tell you who they are.
Taylor:
I mean, I feel like kids are so open and accepting and it's something you see if you work with kids a lot, where you're just like, if they asked you like, Oh, do you have a girlfriend? I’d be like, Oh, no, I have a boyfriend. They'll just be like, Oh, okay, and then proceed to ask you questions about that instead. I think fostering that in kids and just being like, some people are this way and some people are that way and it's all okay. That's all you really need to tell a kid.
Lance:
Exactly.
Taylor:
Like, a kid isn't born homophobic or racist or any of these other things. It's learned behavior, so if you don't teach it to them, then they don’t have it.
Lance:
Well said. I have not walked in the shoes of a trans identity. I don't know that path. But what would you say to someone who's listening or who knows someone who may be struggling or hurting with any of the any of the points in that process? What would you say to those people if they were listening?
Taylor:
Well, to someone who's struggling with it, I would say that a lot of the things you're telling yourself in your head about why it can't happen, aren't true. You can get there. I remember distinctly right after coming out, standing in line at the airport bawling my eyes out because I was sure I was never going to be able to afford hormones and I'd never be able to get surgery and I was just going to be sad all the rest of my life. And then six months later, I was on hormones and maybe a year and a half later I got top surgery. And I've found this wonderful life. Post-all of that. It's just surrounded by people who accept me and people who love me, and it's not that I never have any issues with my loved ones, but the really important thing is if there is an issue, we can then sit down and talk about it and not foster all this resentment and just move forward. So obviously there are going to be barriers for people. That's kind of an inescapable part of life, but you can be who you are, and you can get there. And for someone listening, I would say, that is the most important thing you can do is listen, first and foremost. You can ask what people need, but a lot of the time it's just support and acceptance. They they don't need your two-cents about what you think they should be doing.
Lance:
You alluded to getting to the other side of the trauma and having a life that you wanted and seeing the love in your life. What are some more of the good, happy feels? What are some of the good things that you have and what are some things that you're thankful for?
Taylor:
Yeah, I feel like after transitioning, I really was able to find a sense of direction in life. And part of going to nursing school is actually been this other sort of transition, where it's not just about me, it's about what I can do to help other people. Because for a long time, I was kind of struggling to find any meaning in life. And then I just hit upon, maybe it's about what you can do for others. So that's a big part. And then I mean, just on the mundane level, I've got two adorable kittens. And I got my friends and my family. We play Dungeons and Dragons together every other weekend. And yeah, I’ve found the most happiness is with people, even despite all the other stuff that goes with people. I feel like I find the most happiness and those deep interpersonal connections that you're able to develop once you figure out who you are.
Lance:
Is there anything else that you want to leave us with? I mean, we kind of talked about your story and we went into a couple of great examples. Is there anything else that we missed?
Taylor:
Yeah, I think I would just reiterate that, no matter how alone you feel, you're not alone. And reaching out to people is really one of the best things you can do for yourself. Whether it's that you feel isolated because you're queer, or because you are depressed and it doesn't seem like anyone else around you is depressed, or if you're having these crazy out-of-control mood swings, or if you're hearing things that other people don't hear, like, you don't have to go through it alone. There's people who want to help you. So, just reach out. .
Eli:
This is Unsilent. Thank you for listening. Today's episode was hosted by Lance Bordelon, and produced by me, Eli Lawson, Lance, John Panicucci, and the rest of the incredible NoStigmas marketing team. Special thanks to Taylor for sharing his story this week and delivering such a powerful message. To go beyond the show, connect with us on social media, or visit nostigmas.org to learn more about mental health topics. Please leave us a five star review and share with others wherever you listen to podcasts. We'd really appreciate it. New episodes of Unsilent come out every Wednesday at 2pm Eastern time. Finally, remember that whatever you're going through, you don't have to do it alone. Be Unsilent. We'll see you next week.