EP. 10 - “I Am Worth Something" with guest, Chris. Chris Holden is a UK-based mental health advocate living with Autism and Borderline Personality Disorder.
Chris has bravely taken a stand against cyberbullying, something he has had to endure as an adolescent and continuing into adulthood.
He courageously opens up about his story, the challenges he has faced or overcome, and how we can boldly advocate for safe spaces and the lives of youth growing up in an online landscape too often fueled by keyboard courage and hate. We than Chris for his visibility and heart. Be sure to tune in right here every Wednesday at 2 PM Eastern for more REAL talk with REAL people. You can also visit nostigmas.org/unsilent to watch, listen to, and read all of our conversations this season. We are survivors, thrivers, advocates, and Allies. We see you. We love you. BE UNSILENT 💚
SPECIAL THANKS TO:
Guest: Chris Holden
Host: Lance Bordelon
MEET THE TEAM
Video Editor: John Panicucci
Producer: Eli Lawson @earisistableeli
Marketing: Lance Bordelon & Maggie Seagraves
Executive Producer: Jacob Moore @jacobmoore
www.nostigmas.org
#cyberbullying #cybersullyingawareness #cyberbullyingstories #adultcyberbullying #autismawareness #disabilityawareness #autismmentalhealth #borderlinepersonality #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalhealthsupport #mentalhealthstigma #mentalhealthstories #mentalhealthstoriesmatter #suicideprevention #mentalhealthallies #anxietyawareness #depressionawareness
SHOW NOTES:
Chris:
I was told from my very early days that I was going to be thrown on the scrap heap. I was no good for anything and I wouldn’t ammount to anything. But I've learned now to realize that actually I am someone. I am worth something.
Eli:
This is Unsilent, a Speak series from NoStigmas that champions mental health advocacy and challenges the stigmas that prevent people from getting the help they need. I'm Eli Lawson, a producer for the show. This week, NoStigmas’ Lance Bordelon will be having a conversation with Chris, and advocate against cyber bullying. We'll hear about Chris's difficult past and how early diagnoses with borderline personality disorder and autism made it that much harder. We'll learn about the devastating effects of online bullying and how it's costing lives. But we'll also see how conversation and support will make a huge difference. Thank you for being here. If you want to learn more, or contact us, visit nostigmas.org. Don't face it alone. Be Unsilent.
This week's episode contains mentions of suicide, substance abuse and bullying. While there's nothing explicit, it could be triggering for some. It's okay if you need to skip this one. Do what's right for you.
Lance:
What is your connection to the cause of mental health advocacy? What brings you with us today?
Chris:
Especially due to my background, it was because I had lots of bullying online due to my disability of autism and BPD, which is borderline personality disorder. I didn't fit in at primary school. I was the last kid to get picked in sports.
Lance:
Me too.
Chris:
Right. I was a loner, didn't fit in, problems at home, the usual story. Went to high school and thought that life would be better. It wasn't. I basically went from set one, which is like the highest grades in school, the well-to-do, wouldn't misbehave sort of class, down to set six, which is the, we've given up on you lot, class. I fell out of school and got into some quite serious trouble.
Lance:
Did you come into any diagnoses as a kid? Or when did you come into some diagnoses?
Chris:
My diagnosis didn't kick in till I was early 20s, late 20s because I had problems in employment.
Lance:
And that's the borderline personality?
Chris:
Bit of both. It was the autism and the BPD. I was in two major brand supermarkets where things very very quickly went wrong. And after that I went on a spiral downwards with the over counter prescription meds and drink, which didn't help.
Lance:
I know today we're gonna really dive into some talk about cyber bullying. But going back to just old school bullying, was it always a part of your story? Was it always something that you had around you?
Chris:
Yeah, bullying was a big part of my life from the get-go. It was name calling. It was kicking. It was being spat on. It was rumors. It was just pure nastiness from the get-go, from year seven to when I was finally kicked out.
Lance:
So how did you handle those times in school?
Chris:
I didn't. I was more or less off the handle every opportunity I could get, I would just fly off the handle.
Lance:
At that time did you feel like you maybe had something going on with your mental health or did anyone tell you that?
Chris:
Yeah, my teachers tried to tell my parents at the time that something may be wrong, but my parents didn't want to know at the time. They thought it was just a little lad being a bad lad, as they did back then.
Lance:
Right. What brought about, I mean, walk us through coming into a borderline personality disorder diagnosis. Like you mentioned, you were kind of lashing out and maybe the work was hard. What was that journey like to get there?
Chris:
It was, it was really hard. And the point of view of, knowing that my employers didn't want to know about what was going on behind the scenes. And it was just again, he's a bad lad, he’s a growing lad. He'll grow out of it one day. And it finally led me to some really really drastic, unfortunate stuff, which I don't want to delve too much into.
Lance:
That's okay. That's okay. So you eventually found your way to a psychiatrist, I guess. To a doctor.
Chris:
Yeah. I was sanctioned after purposely crashing my first car whilst under the influence of prescription meds.
Lance:
When you finally got to talk to somebody, what were those conversations like for you? I mean, did you feel like, finally someone's listening to me? Finally someone sees me?
Chris:
Yeah, I did up to a point and then they basically said, because I had put on a front for so long,
They basically said, quote, you’re not dead enough to warrant support. Come back when you're dead enough. Then when you’re discharged from service, look after yourself. I wanted more support. But it was just down to the fact that I could put on the front so much that I look normal, I act normal, normal daily life. But over here, there's so many hoops to jump through because you've got NHS and then you've got other services on top, which is IAPT, which is a psychological service, which again is more hoops to go through. There’s four tiers to it, which is like one is, you’re very, very mild, nothing wrong with you. To four, which is like you're in dire straits of suicide. And I was bordering on three, four at the time,
Eli:
If you or someone you know, is experiencing a crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org for support via live chat. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911. Other resources are linked in the show notes.
Lance:
Wow. So how did you go from you know, okay, you're good go live your life Chris, you got this, to the next step?
Chris:
It was basically that I went downhill quickly.
I was not engaging with services. I was not engaging with my GP.
And I got literally restrained by police for going AWOL on a number of occasions. Who basically then put me on meds which I refused point blank to take. And my behavior got worse my running away got worse and more dangerous.
Lance:
Was diagnosis acceptance tough for you? Did you accept it? Like, okay, this is where you are, this is what we think is going on? Did you did you accept that easily?
Chris:
Not easily, no.
Lance:
What was that like for you?
Chris:
It was quite hard because it took me a while to to research what things meant. After a period of a few months, like oh, yeah, okay, this clicks, I understand myself now.
Lance:
Where did cyber bullying start to be a part of your life?
Chris:
It basically started with me being part of my local town forum repair in Winston, Cheshire. And it's run by some very not nice people.
Lance:
And this is like a Facebook community?
Chris:
Yeah. It then turned them to basically threatening me, threatening my family, using the police as weapons against me. Again, the running away started again. So I've had lots of interactions in the last 18 months with police various different towns of the UK. I was running away different towns by having police interaction, different police stations, different custody suites.
Lance:
So why was that happening or what was what was going on?
Chris:
I just wasn't thinking. I was thinking, I just wanna be somewhere safe. I'm going to disappear. So I had helicopters out looking for me, police dogs, police on the ground, helicopters, all that, every time.
Lance:
Wow. And that was because you didn't want to be in any one place?
Chris:
Yeah. I just didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere.
Lance:
With the cyber bullying. Did that continue while you were kind of feeling out of place?
Chris:
Yeah, it was getting more and more intense. And then things have only recently quietened down with the people involved, they’ve now been arrested. So that's step forward.
Lance:
So, I know that the articles that you've that you've shared with us have kind of talked about this national award. Can you tell me tell me about that?
Chris:
That basically started with me deciding that enough was enough, and I don't want anyone else to go through I've been through online. It's not very nice for anyone, when families are behind this, I thought, Well, I'm gonna write to my MP. So I wrote to my MP, and he's like, Yeah, things do need to change before a tragic suicide happens. And he got me to try to call sends.org.uk, which is a national UK charity for disability people. And they said, we'll nurture you, we’ll support you with this cyberbullying mission. We’ll set you up with a Twitter account and get yourself known.
Lance:
So what's come of that relationship?
Chris:
They’re still a part of my life and I'll be seeing them in July of this year because we've got a very, very big national anti-disability conference coming up in Warrington, UK.
Lance:
Nice. What do you want to tell people who don't understand or who can't understand what it's like to be cyber bullied? Like, what do you want them to understand?
Chris:
Some people online can say, I care about you. I like you. I want to be friends with you, but you have no idea what that ulterior motive can be. Basically, to be careful not to get lured in. We've had both old and young people in Cheshire that have committed suicide this past two weeks with cyber bullying. So it's been very, very in the press recently.
Lance:
Other than just kind of like, be careful, be aware. How do we how do we save these people in our lives?
Chris:
I think it's about, well, for yourself, I think it’s that early intervention, isn't it? It’s that, talk, talk, talk, early. And noticing the body language if the people you are talking to. There are some very, very good signs that something's really wrong.
Lance:
So where are you at today with cyber bullying? I mean, is it something that you've learned some skills around dealing or does it still affect you?
Chris:
It affects me from time to time, but I'm actually now my own person. I know what I want in life and I especially want to give back to those who are more vulnerable than I am.
Lance:
Whenever you have gotten, I don't want to like relive anything, but when you've really felt the most attacked when you felt the most put out, I know that you said you made some choices that maybe you regretted or not wanted to happen. But, in moments where you really felt like, I got this, how did you pull yourself out? How did you get out of those? How did you not let those comments get to you?
Chris:
I basically shut down all my accounts until I actually felt better and I actually talked someone and said, to someone I trusted, look, this is what's being said, I'm not gonna retaliate to this. I'd like counseling to sort myself out before I spiral.
Lance:
I want to understand the autism side of your personality and that piece. What do you think people are not understanding about you?
Chris:
I think it is more like how I behave in social interactions, because I don't do as well in large crowds as a normal, neurotypical person would. I don't pick up that social queue that says, you should have been listening. And I will just butt into any conversation. Which I know is not the done thing. But I think it's just the more understanding, I think. From the parents, the families, the teachers, that something may be wrong and kid needs just support, rather than he or she's on a spiral down. Put her on the scrap heap, but him on the scrap heap, because that's not helpful for the parent, is it? I mean, for a kid to come home and say, they've given up on me daddy, like that was not funny.
Lance:
Man, that's heartbreaking. Did you feel that that happened to you?
Chris:
Yeah.
Lance:
What's your support system like now?
Chris:
I've got a very good support system around me now. I've got a lady that’s a mental health nurse that sees me every week to make sure that I'm A-1, which I am.
Lance:
That's awesome. That's really awesome. And what are you doing with this organization? How are you getting out there? Like how are you passing your time?
Chris:
I personally pass my time by building and repairing computers, which has been my hobby since I was about four.
Lance:
Whoa, okay. Let's talk about that. Building and repairing computers. So you're building and repairing technology years after people used technology to hurt you?
Chris:
Yeah. It’s what calms my autism. It’s the motherboard, the processor, the memory, the connections, the software. There's just likem the joy of, I've done this. I’ve built this machine. I was told from my very early days that I was going to be thrown on the scrap heap. I was no good for anything and I wouldn’t ammount to anything. But I've learned now to realize that actually I am someone. I am worth something.
Lance:
You're fixing and building computers. That takes a lot of intelligence and talent. Do you think you're so great at building machines and computers because of how your brain works?
Chris:
Yeah, definitely.
Lance:
It's pretty cool. So what do you think would be in your future? Like, what do you think for the next 5, 10 years, what do you want? What do you want to see in this next chapter? Like if we leave all the muck behind, we take all the good stuff and we move forward, what do you think that looks like?
Chris:
I think it's gonna be a bright future. There's going to be a lot of changes now with the online world and more protections now coming in. Because I'm currently working with the department for medical transport, which is better than government here, there’s going to be a new law coming in, in the next two, three days.
Lance:
Days? That's good timing.
Chris:
It is gonna make things illegal. So if you harass someone, you’re gonna do to prison.
Lance:
I was gonna say that's awesome. I hope no one goes to prison, but I hope that people are held accountable. We gotta protect our kids. We gotta protect everyone, not just our kids. What do you think for yourself, what do you want to accomplish or what do you hope to do?
Chris:
I just to make a difference for other people. I mean, I hope to be able to go into schools and colleges and, sort of give that messages of, just talk and talk and talk before something happens.
Lance:
Absolutely.
Chris:
Not just to kids and stuff, but their parents.
Lance:
Chris, thank you so much for talking with us.
Chris:
Thank you for having me.
Lance:
So good to see you. Keep in touch with us and share any of your wins and hopefully we can be like an echo chamber and amplify.
Chris:
Will do. Thank you.
Eli:
This is Unsilent Thank you for listening. Today's episode was hosted by Lance Bordelon, and produced by me, Eli Lawson, John Panicucci, Lance, and the rest of the incredible NoStigmas marketing team. Special thanks to Chris for sharing his story this week and bringing awareness to such an important issue. To go beyond the show,connect with us on social media, or visit nostigmas.org. to learn more about mental health topic. Please leave us a five star review and share with others wherever you listen to podcasts. We'd really appreciate it. New episodes of Unsilent come out every Wednesday at 2pm Eastern time. Finally, remember that whatever you're going through, you don't have to do it alone. Be Unsilent. We'll see you next week.