UNSILENT: A SPEAK SERIES BY NOSTIGMAS EP. 6 - "Attempt Surviving & Owning OCD" with guest, Jaimi McPeek, a professional dancer and passionate mental health advocate with a lifelong connection to OCD.
She opens up about coming into her diagnosis of OCD with morbid thoughts as a child and where that took her in her story. She shares the power of dance in her life and how creativity and art grounds her in the present and silences the noise.
She bravely talks about how she found herself on the other side of a suicide attempt and what that road to healing and recovery has looked like. We were so thankful to have Jaimi share her story with us and thank her for being a champion for mental health. We hope you join us in lifting her up and celebrating her new passion project Flip of a Coin, boldly using filmmaking to explore true lived experiences with mental health challenges.
Be sure to tune in right here every Wednesday at 2 PM Eastern for more REAL talk with REAL people. You can also visit nostigmas.org/unsilent to watch, listen to, and read all of our conversations this season. We are survivors, thrivers, advocates, and Allies. We see you. We love you. BE UNSILENT 💚
#ocdawareness #obsessivecompulsivedisorder #obsessivecompulsive #obsessivethoughts #intrusivethoughts #morbidthoughts #OCD #childrenwithocd #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalhealthsupport #mentalhealthstigma #mentalhealthstories #mentalhealthstoriesmatter #suicideprevention #suicideintervention #suicideattempt #suicideatemptsurvivor #attemptsurvivor #mentalhealthallies #anxietyawareness #depressionawareness
SHOW NOTES:
Jaimi:
Once I posted that and started talking about my OCD more, I started realizing just how many people suffer in silence.
Jake:
Yeah.
Jaimi:
And how sad that is.
Eli:
This is Unsilent, a Speak series from NoStigmas that champions mental health advocacy and challenges the stigmas that prevent people from getting the help they need. I'm Eli Lawson, a producer for the show. This week, NoStigmas founder, Jacob Moore, will have a conversation with Jamie, a dancer, actor, and upcoming filmmaker. We'll hear about Jamie's early battles with intrusive OCD thoughts, how it was difficult for her to speak out, and how it almost ended up costing Jamie her life. But we'll also learn the importance of sharing your story and the incredible effect acceptance can have on reshaping your life. Thank you for being here. If you want to learn more, or contact us, visit nostigmas.org. Don't face it alone. Be Unsilent.
This week's episode contains mentions of suicide. Nothing graphic of course, but it could be triggering for some listeners. It's okay if you need to skip this one. Do what's right for you.
Jake:
Tell us about your dance.
Jaimi:
Oh yeah, I'm a professional dancer. I currently live in Florida, so I perform at all the theme parks here in Florida, well not all of them, but most of them.
Jake:
Really? I didn’t know you did that! That’s awesome.
Jaimi:
Yeah. I've danced at Busch Gardens. I've worked at Universal, Zoo Tampa, Florida Aquarium, all that stuff. I haven't done Disney yet, which is why I didn’t say all of them.
Jake:
What is that like? Working at theme parks and being there entertaining people and kids and things like that?
Jaimi:
A lot of hard work. But I mean I genuinely love every second of it. Performing, for me, is what I use as an outlet for literally anything. And when I'm performing, it's literally like nothing else in the world matters and I'm just able to be present and in the moment and happy and truly alive.
Jake:
I know you had a lot of challenges as a young person. So did I, and I think for me having that place to escape and just be, and not have to be in your stuff, be in the crap and in the trauma and that kind of stuff. It was a great healthy escape. Does that resonate with you at all?
Jaimi:
Oh, absolutely. Yeah, that's how I survived my teenage years. I started dancing at age five, but I started doing shows at age 15. And the first shows I was in was called Catch Me If You Can. I'm sure you've heard of it.
Jake:
Right on. That’s awesome.
Jaimi:
I was one of eight dancers in that show.
Jake:
Frank Abignale, right?
Jaimi:
Yes, yes, Frank Abignale. It was such such a fun show. And that was kind of my first taste, because I would go to school, and then I would come home just to get ready for the show. And then do the show. And that was my first taste of just performing in front of a live audience, because we had sold out crowds every night. And entertaining, and making people happy, but then also making myself happy and spreading my passion onto others. And just the feeling of truly being invincible. That was my first taste of it, because for me, performing I can just focus on that and focus on the audience and focus on my other cast mates. Focus on the atmosphere, the lights, the moves and everything. And it provides such an amazing outlet for me and it's really hard for me to stay in the present moment because my brain is constantly go go go and performing has been the one thing where when I do it, I am present, and I don't have to think about it. I'm just present, which is amazing.
Jake:
Can you talk a little bit about what your experiences were? Because this is simultaneously as you’re dancing and performing and becoming a professional dancer, you're also dealing with some pretty heavy stuff.
Jaimi:
Yeah. Yeah, that part. (Laughing) I've been through a lot in my in my 22 years on this earth. Let's see. Ever since I couldn't even start thinking, so age four, is when my mom noticed that I had very bad obsessive compulsive tendencies. And even from some of the first memories that I remember, it started like, I would be in stores and I was like four or five years old, and my mom said I could get a toy and I couldn't decide which toy to get. And the decision between toy A or toy B was so detrimental to me that I just broke. I mean, I broke down. I say broke down like you would think I was getting- I don't even have an analogy for it. But it got to the point where I was five and I would just want to die because I could not think, I could not decide which toy to get. So I mean, I grew up with just bizarre, bizarre, bizzare thoughts. And I remember, I would just start crying because I didn't understand why I was thinking this way, and I couldn't rationalize my thoughts, and I didn't want to think these thoughts, and I didn't understand why I was thinking these thoughts, and why I couldn't get rid of these thoughts. And it was getting so bad to where I was having such bad breakdowns at school that my mom actually thought I was getting bullied because I did not want to leave her. Because she was my safety blanket. And then when I told her that I wasn't getting bullied, well, externally I wasn't getting bullied, she was then realizing how severe it was. Because it was just to the point where I really could not- I was just so miserable and I actually became, and I don't say this lightly, I genuinely became suicidal at age 10.
Jake:
You mentioned bullying, though. Did you ever feel that from other people? Did you ever feel stigmas from other people?
Jaimi:
I didn't open up about my OCD or anything until later in life. The only time I actually did was in third grade, where it got so bad to the point where I could not leave my mom. I just couldn't. Because again, she was the one who rationalized it and talked me through everything. I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for her. She's the one who literally helped me through every single attack that I've ever had. To this day.
Jake:
We have that in common by the way. Like, I attribute me being here, not just literally being born, but being here and not dead by by suicide, because of my mom.
Jaimi:
Yeah. And that’s so important.
Jake:
She saved me, you know?
Jaimi:
Yeah. And that's how I realized that. Ever since I've opened up about it, is that a lot of people don't have that and gosh, my heart goes out to anyone who doesn't have that support system. Middle school is when I would actually go through my classes. I was in a gifted program, so I was mixed in with sixth, seventh, and eighth graders and everything. And I would go into the bathroom for like 20 minutes at a time, hysterically crying and breaking down calling my mom from the bathrooms. That was a daily thing. And it got to the point where my teacher pulled me aside and was like, is everything okay? Because you're going missing for like half the class. And that's when I told her what had been happening and she was so nice and told me that I can have my phone out in class to text my mom. Because you couldn't have your phones out in class.
Jake:
Sure.
Jaimi:
So I would have to go into the bathroom and do my thing do my thing in there with calling her and texting her. But she let me have my phone out and that was great. But yeah, middle school was rough, because it was just so- and again, I can't like pinpoint a certain thought because it was just so many of them. And it was just random breakdown for no reason at times. And then also in middle school, I became anorexic, which is really young to become anorexic. And it was breaking down because of food or my body and it was a lot. It was a lot, a lot, a lot.
Jake:
That's part of living with a mental health challenge. Especially in a world where you don't feel like you're allowed to talk about, it or allowed to get the the help or the support that you need. It all becomes internalized. You talked about hiding it. And like, I call it wearing this mask and pretending, but you get really good at that. And it's funny, not funny-ha-ha, but interesting that the number of performers that I know, the number of artists or actors that I know that have a mental health challenge. And you get so good at hiding and pretending andshutting off that part of you that it just lends itself to this skillset of being able to perform, and put on a happy face, and put on this mask and pretend like everything's okay.
Jaimi:
I remember when I finally did tell my best friend, my best friend from elementary school, we went to the same middle school, so we were friends for a long time. And I remember I did finally tell her some of the stuff that I was thinking and dealing with. And she was shocked. She was like, you always seem so happy, like completely shocked. Because that's the thing, I would go in and I would break down and stuff, and then when I was in front of people you could not tell. And on stage it wasn't necessarily a mask, it was just a genuine escape for me. It was a genuine release and I was happy, and I was- I use the word invincible. I felt like nothing could hurt me. My thoughts couldn’t hurt me on stage. So, with OCD as well as with any other mental health problem, you're always trying to seek that control. Because you don't have control over your own thoughts.
Jake:
Right.
Jaimi:
So, I think that's why I became anorexic so young, because I can control my weight and I can control what I put into my body and everything. And so getting intimate has always been a really hard thing for me, because I feel like once I let that go, then I have no control.
Jake:
Yeah. So, vulnerability right?
Jaimi:
Yeah, so that was really hard and still it still can be really hard. If I'm in a bad place mentally, I cannot do anything like that because then I just feel like I lose all control.
Jake:
You know, now being older and having had some some major relationships, and now being married, understanding that, Whoa, that looks different for everyone. And my experience is not everyone else's experience, and the way that people deal with mental health issues or trauma is different, right?
Jaimi:
Yeah.
Jake:
And so, really what I'm trying to say here, is there is no normal. There is no normal in relationships. There's no normal sexual function or way intimacy looks. It's different for each person, and it's different for each relationship.
Jaimi:
Yeah, but all in all, though, it really helps, because my boyfriend now, he is probably the most supportive person besides my mom that I know. He doesn't have OCD, but he is so empathetic and can try to understand.
Jake:
That’s awesome.
Jaimi:
And that's just what more people need, is some empathy. You know, just try.
Jake:
Yeah. Well, I think that's what being an ally and being a mental health advocate is all about right? It’s sharing stories, but also being an example to people of how to do that, and how to be that. Like, you don't have to have gone through OCD to be able to put yourself in a place of, maybe not fully understanding, but just empathy of what someone else has experienced. And I think having someone believe you and validate what your experiences is, is huge. So, I want to know, what was that turning point for you?
Jaimi:
So, let's see, what age was I? 17. At 17, I was already starting to- I was performing in shows and everything, and honestly loving that. And at the time, I wasn't in a relationship and I mean, everything again, externally looked great for me. But when I wasn't performing, I was so bad mentally. So bad mentally. I would get my relief for two to three hours a night, and then the rest was just hell. And when hell, it was a mixture of the anorexia, and then it was a mixture of the relationship I was in with that intimacy and not knowing what was wrong with me with that. And then a mixture of all these obsessive thoughts of whatever they might have been at the time. I don't remember all them nowm but there was a lot. And I basically lost it. And then at age 18, right after my birthday, I actually tried to take my own life. And after that, like a month after that I would say, was my ah-ha moment. Because obviously, I did not succeed and I'm happy about that, but I saw firsthand what it did to everyone that I knew and everyone that I loved, especially my mom. You know, my dad never gets emotional, and to see him get emotional like that was a lot. And then just knowing what it did to the rest of my family. My friends really didn't know. A couple of my friends did, and then when they found out, seeing what that did to them and everything. And that was the ah-ha moment there. It was like, okay, I'm never doing this again. I'm never gonna try to do this again. Because this is not the answer. Clearly, it's not.
Eli:
If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org for support via live chat. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911. Other resources are linked in the show notes.
Jaimi:
As tempting as it is to go back in time and get rid of that part of my brain, I can't do that. I can either continue on trying to fight it, and fight it, and fight it, or I can just learn to accept it. Not like it, but accept it, and then move on, but move on from a point of: I accept that this is a part of my brain. So now, how can I go about my life in the most productive, best way possible? And that was my ah-ha moment. That was when I, again, not saying I love that part of my brain, but just that self acceptance was so big for me.
Jake:
Yeah. And I think that acceptance is so important. And I think it's important to make the distinction between acceptance, and acquiescence. Like, it doesn't mean that you're lying down and saying, hey, well this is just how things are and it's never going to change, so my life is just going to be crap. Or I can't grow, or I can't work on these skill sets, or have personal development. But accepting who we are as we are, and understanding that that doesn't have to mean that we're broken, damaged, or can't be successful, or productive, or have healthy relationships. It’s like, that’s okay.
Jaimi:
Just learning how to use it as a motivator instead of an inhibitor was huge for me. And it made me appreciate what I did a lot more. I don't know, just always thinking I can do more, and that does take me away from the present, so I'm really trying to be better about it. And this year has been better than last year with the shows and stuff. But yeah, it's definitely a constant extra weight on my shoulder, for sure. As far as becoming a mental health advocate, throughout my years of performing, again, I wasn't always very open about what I'd been through.
I mentioned that I struggled with anxiety and stuff growing up and the amount of people that said the same thing was mind blowing. There's so many people out there. I’m a very creative person, and I started thinking of this storyline of mental health about this girl. Kind of a mixture of drama, but almost fantasy, because you go into her head and you see her life through her eyes, versus what society sees. And I was just brainstorming about this idea that I had, and then, this is when I was into film acting, and again I do both now pretty consistently. And a friend of mine said that a really big part about this industry is making your own content. So then I took that idea and I'm like, I'm actually going to make a movie about that. And then once that happened, that was the first step of me completely coming out on like social media saying this is what I've struggled with. Because everyone on social media, especially because- I hate social media, by the way, but I use it because I'm a performer and I have to promote myself. Because I am my brand, you know?
Jake:
Yeah, of course.
Jaimi:
So that's the only reason why I use social media. So, of course, they only see the side of Jaimi that's performing. The side of me that's really happy and in the moment and present.
Jake:
Right, right.
Jaimi:
So I came out on all my social media platforms with this huge long novel of a paragraph about, this has been my life. And my first thought when I did that was, I was dancing at Busch Gardens at the time, my first thought was, I'm going to get fired. But then once I posted that and started talking about my OCD more, I started realizing just how many people suffer in silence. And how sad that is. We need to talk about it. Because people now realize that, okay, there are these things called OCD, bipolar, schizophrenia, PTSD, etc. But there's a lack of understanding of what that means.
Jake:
Yeah, you know, I often say those diagnoses are a set of common symptoms, or behaviors that are grouped together, and we give them this name because we need to contextualize it. We need to understand what that means in order to approach it and to treat it. But within that diagnosis is a whole spectrum of things that people experience. And the stereotypes or the stigmas around them are so unhelpful, and in some cases really harmful, because they prevent people from getting the support that they need. So you're working on this film project. What is your vision for that?
Jaimi:
My vision with this is, once the movie is filmed and produced, to not only use it as a tool for people who are suffering. To realize, number one, that they're not alone. Really encouraging people that, you don't have to open up about your deepest darkest secrets, but just talk to someone if you're feeling down, if you're feeling upset or something, just talk to someone. A friend, a family member, a professional, whoever you want to talk. So it’s encouraging that but then it's also really trying to show and to educate those who don't have a mental health problem to understand even just slightly what it’s like to live inside the mind of someone who is suffering. And what it can be like, and how stressful it can be, and how overwhelming it can be. And just give an insight of what it's like, and how it's not just a matter of snapping out of it.
Jake:
Very cool. Well, I wish you a lot of luck with the project. It sounds like something that could be very powerful, and a real passion for you, so I really appreciate you being open and vulnerable and sharing your story with us.
Jaimi:
Of course.
Jake:
And bringing yourself to this. I think it can be really easy to just get so focused on ourselves and our own stories, and to be able to step outside of that and look at like, hey, how does this affect others? How can I use this to support others? I think it’s really, really fantastic.
Eli:
This is Unsilent. Thank you for listening. Today's episode was hosted by Jacob Moore and produced by me, Eli Lawson, Lance Bordelon, John Panicucci and the rest of the incredible NoStigmas marketing team. Special thanks to Jaimi for sharing her story this week and being so courageous and open. You can find a link to Jaimi’s upcoming movie in the show notes. To go beyond the show, connect with us on social media or visit nostigmas.org to learn more about mental health topics. Please leave us a five star review and share with others wherever you listen to podcasts. We'd really appreciate it. New episodes of Unsilent come out every Wednesday at 2pm Eastern time. Finally, remember that whatever you're going through, you don't have to do it alone. Be Unsilent. See you next week.