UNSILENT: A SPEAK SERIES BY NOSTIGMAS EP. 5 - "FIGHT. WIN. LIVE." with guest, Erika E. Wade Erika E. Wade -- an explosive performer and a powerful talent for writing.
She is a SCAD Alum with a late-in-life Bipolar Disorder diagnosis. She sat down with us to share her story, through her eyes, through her life experiences.
She has no fear in talking on what she feels needs to be heard, here and now. She is dedicated to preventing suicide and using her platform as a writer to advocate in storytelling. She refuses to stay silent about mental health, especially -- as she so powerfully shares -- in the Black community. You don't want to miss a minute of this episode.
Be sure to tune in right here every Wednesday at 2 PM Eastern for more REAL talk with REAL people. You can also visit nostigmas.org/unsilent to watch, listen to, and read all of our conversations this season. We are survivors, thrivers, advocates, and Allies. We see you. We love you. BE UNSILENT 💚
#blackmentalhealth #bipocmentalhealth #stongblackwoman #bipolardisorderawareness #blackvoices #BlackStorytellers #blackwriter #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalhealthsupport #mentalhealthstigma #mentalhealthstories #mentalhealthstoriesmatter #suicideprevention #suicideintervention #mentalhealthallies #anxietyawareness #depressionawareness
SHOW NOTES:
Erika:
We try to have people make our happiness so often, but happiness comes from self. It's generated from self. And that's the beauty of it, is that you know that this is your superpower. You can make yourself happy. It might be difficult. You might have obstacles, but you are that beautiful, you're that unique, you're that miraculous, that you can conjure happiness. It's going to take effort in a lot of cases and you know, I'm not minimizing how hard happiness is to achieve. But you can do it. You can.
Eli:
This is Unsilent, a Speak series from NoStigmas that champions mental health advocacy and challenges the stigmas that prevent people from getting the help they need. I'm Eli Lawson, a producer for the show. This week, NoStigmas’ very own Lance Bordelon will be having a conversation with Erkia, a theatrical performer and an avid mental health advocate. We’ll hear about Erika’s late-in-life bipolar diagnosis, and how it proved to be great confirmation for lifelong challenges she faced. But we’ll aso see how Erika harnessed her manias to fuel performance and storytelling. Thank you for being here. If you want to learn more, or contact us, visit nostigmas.org. Don't face it alone. Be Unsilent.
This week's episode contains examples of racially based trauma. Nothing explicit of course but it might hit too close to home for some. For those of you that haven’t experienced something like that though, I would encourage you to listen in. Erika’s message is very important.
Lance:
Tell us a little bit of your connection to the cause. What do you feel brings you to be passionate about talking about mental health?
Erika:
You know, before I even got my diagnosis, I think I had always been sympathetic towards mental health discussions. Because I just didn't understand why, especially in communities of color, we vilified and destroyed people for expressing emotional breakdown. It really creates this situation where you have to have the strong alpha black male, and then in my case identifying as female, the strong black woman.
Lance:
Yeah
Erika:
And you know, you become raised as this as a coping and surviving mechanism. My mother raised me as a strong black woman, because she thought she had to for me to be able to survive, and I performed that strong black womanhood until I found that emotional breakdown is the only place left for me to go at this point. Because strength and performance, strength can only last with you so long. So here I am thinking like, oh, I don't have a mental health issue, but I really feel for people with mental health issues. Later to learn that I've been bipolar since birth.
Lance:
Let's talk about some of the dark times like without triggering, without, you know, going anywhere you don't want to go but, what would be some of those moments aren't the happiest?
Erika:
I guess the funny thing about life is, as many high moments that you have, you're going to have lows. And I didn't really understand that equilibrium and balance in life until I got my diagnosis. And a therapist described to me that I shouldn't suppress my episodes, but feel them, release them, understand them, and let go of the shame attributed to them. That's been so helpful. Even just this week, two days ago, I had a very, very deep depressive episode. And they're usually triggered by some of the smallest things to other people. So this first step of helping me as a friend, family, or support system, was to understand that what small to you might just have been the last stone on a pile of stones upon my back. And it just broke.
Eli:
If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org for support via live chat. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911. Other resources are linked in the show notes.
Lance:
What did it feel like when you felt seen?
Erika:
Now, this is the thing. Therapists that I feel have really seen me, and this screams to representation matters, have been women of color. Specifically one of my last therapist was a black woman, and the only reason why we discontinued working together is because I moved from California. But just the way that I wouldn't even have to explain the base foundation of what's bothering me for you to understand what's bothering me today. Like, I will go into a session with- and no offense to the therapists in my past that have been white men, but y’all tried. But I'll go to a session with a white male therapist and explain well, you know, I really feel that there's this pressure at work for me to assimilate and to silence myself. Because anything that I say that might be counter to the group's way of thinking. It’s going to be seen as aggressive or attitudinal or angry or things like that. And then he starts going into, well what is your approach like? And I'm like…black…woman. That's what it's like, silence. Sometimes just this presentation of being black and woman in my body is where it's coming from. And then you have to spend a whole session explaining systemic oppression to someone who's supposed to be helping you understand your feelings. When we scream, and we say that representation matters, we so very much mean it, because it’s the difference in someone feeling as though they are validated, heard and seen, and not.
Now this is going to save somebody's life. And I'm not saying that lightly, because I know it is. Dismantling the strong black woman. That is one of the biggest things that we worked on, is for me to know that that is not who I am. And there's nothing wrong with that. It was literally killing me, taking on too many projects, saying yes to too many people, letting too many people into my life that did not need to be there. And then how that turned into having an avoidant attachment theory. So I tend to avoid things that I believe are energetically going to drain me. And that list becomes greater and greater and greater. Now, my feelings might be valid, but at the same time, avoiding them doesn't make them go away. And it also doesn't make me understand why I'm drained energetically. And so we broke down all of that. We've just broke down a lot of issues that I didn't even know I had, like, I didn't know I had a difficult relationship with food and with transitioning, at that time, recently to being plant based. It was showing up in that. It was like I was using being plant based as a justification not to eat.
And for things like that, like oh, I can't eat at this restaurant because it doesn't have any plant base. And I was like, I don't know why I would have, trigger warning, what people might consider an eating disorder. That's never come up for me before. And having this black woman therapist with me, explains how it shows up subtly in the body of a black woman. Your body doesn't look like what the industry says it should look like. Or you need to make sure, because you live in LA, that you have that BBL body- and not shooting the girls down the habit, but just all of those subtleties that exist in your body and have been there since birth. You know, being told that your hair isn't good enough, that your skin's too dark. With me being brown complexioned, having people say oh, you’re too light or too dark or you’re never really accepted it in your skin. Those things manifest into body issues. They turn into things that you just accept and swallow and move through in life with that you don't know need to be addressed.
Lance:
Yeah.
Erika:
A lot of stuff came up, basically. I had been living in that experience of having these ideas that I felt contributed to conversations and literally being ignored until a white male classmate took exactly what I said and repeated it. Of having my presence erased, simply because these ideas of servitude come up or even having people attribute to you being a teen mom and stuff. Why? Because I remind you of a distant nostalgic image of mammy and Jemima? I know that's controversial to say and people don't want to address it, but yeah. Those connotations of black women, when you see me exist, the people that walk up to me and say, hey girl, hey queen. It exists and every day in this body experiencing that and not being able to speak out, there was one point in that duo where I screamed, but I wasn't able to make a noise and it would hurt my body because it felt so real.
That point I think would always get me. It would get Hannah, too, my duo partner. Because she would- she was talking over me. I think she had to cover my mouth or something and I could feel her hand trembling when she would do it because it was one of the most gut wrenching physical responses. You knew when you saw, that's how we feel. That's the kind of stuff that having a therapist that looks like you exposes in sessions.
Lance:
Yeah.
Erika:
Because then you go in there's this look of understanding of ,I have been in that space too, and I'm here to tell you, you do need to hear your voice. You do need to let that scream out. We will make space, even if it's tough work, we'll do this together. Thank you.
Lance:
No, thank you. Have you had any experiences like that where you really see that the most impact you have is not from arranging some massive auditorium of people, but those intimate moments that you know, you're letting someone feel that they're being seen?
Erika:
Yeah, when family members started to go to therapy as well. And black women family members that have been fed the same sludge that I had of, you know, we don't have the time and the luxuries, black women, to talk about our feelings. We have to keep moving on. Keep being the pillar and being, in the words of my favorite author, the mule of the earth. Zora Neale Hurston calls black women. And when I heard in high school, I heard the mule of the earth. I mean, it was like my wind had been taken from my chest, because I knew that feeling. I knew what it felt like to have to carry people and be tired as a 16 year old.
So, when I saw cousins and aunts, and even closer relatives, getting therapy, it felt like- if you don't win an Oscar, if you don’t win an Emmy, if you don’t ever make a blockbuster film, you are making a difference in people's real lives. You're serving an actual purpose. And that's all I want from my content. I used to have these goals of winning Emmys and Oscars and they'll come. I don't doubt that. But it's now about making content that people can look at and find some kind of image of themselves in, and some glimmer of hope. Even if it's a piece about a darker subject, can you look at this, and get relief of knowing someone else in the world feels in a similar way to you?
I think the way that we use social media can definitely be advocacy, but I think sometimes people rely on it too much. So sharing a post is cool. Sharing content or sharing information helps to educate people, but have a conversation about it after. So I make space to have conversations with people about things that I feel I have experience in, so that's not easy. And I'm not asking everybody to do that on a daily basis because that can be an exchange of energy that you don't deserve.
But be honest and be kind to yourself when you're going into those situations. For instance, you know, growing up as a black person in the south you always have this conversation with your friends, your family, of what are you going to do the first time somebody calls you the N word? That's sad that that's a conversation that happens, but it does. And so everybody's response is usually the same. I'm gonna beat them. You know, I wish somebody would, I’d clock them and all that kind of stuff like that. But for the first time for me, it actually happened when I was four.
Lance:
Oh my god.
Erika:
Right? I'm not gonna beat somebody up. I was at a waffle house with my mother. And we're not given service, and people walking in passing us, Mom wants to take me for a nice little breakfast in a little church dress and church shoes and socks. And I'm asking her why won't we eat mommy, why won’t they talk to us? Why are they walking past us? And you really come to the understanding that those conversations have to happen on a one-to-one level first. You can't have that conversation with somebody thinking about the whole world. Right?
Lance:
Right.
Erika:
She's talking to me mother to daughter, I gotta explain to my baby what racism is and why these people aren’t serving us and why we're gonna stay here, and protest it. We didn't make a word. We sat there in silence. But she taught me so much in that moment that I never forgot, about how just being in your body can be advocacy. Just standing up for what you believe in, by being yourself, by living loudly and proudly, can advocate for somebody. Because sometimes I'll just be doing my thing, posting something on social media about having bipolar disorder and all of that and I’ll make a comment. And I remember once I posted a story about ways you can actually help your friends and your family members that live with a diagnosis. And somebody responded to me, and she was like girl, you saved my life today. And I was just living honestly. The person that's watching this and that’s resonated with things and that’s felt like they saw themselves in my story, everyday isn't a great day for me, but every day isn't a bad day for me. The only thing that is consistent about days for me is, every day I wake up with one goal, that's to win, to fight and to live. And so, if you wake up and say your goal, your intention can be large or it can be small, but I'm going to win today. I'm going to fight today. I'm going to live today. Even if today is not the best of days, I can say I fought, I lived, and I won. Because tomorrow I’ll wake up and do the same thing. And then that’ll be another year that I've won, I fought, and I lived you know. And it can be hard sometimes. Because see, it’s the fighting and it’s the living on the day to day that- Do it. Don't give up. It's another day, it's another year. My birthday is coming up and I'm just so thankful that I won and I fought and I lived to 31, because there were moments that didn't feel like I would be here. And so I just hope that there's somebody that's watching this that has felt that way and has felt deep and dark and has had a moment and know that every day that you win and you fight and you live afterwards makes that day- it's just another drop in the bucket. There’s so many beautiful days for you.
See? (Laughing) That's why mascara is waterproof.
Lance:
I'm gonna win. I'm gonna live. I’m gonna fight.
Erika:
Yeah, and you do that.
Lance:
It’s incredible.
Erika:
So everything you do adds to that. Even if fighting, winning, and living was simply- instead of having a moment where I went so negative on myself, I went outside and let the sun touch my face and reminded myself that this is just a moment. There's so many moments in life. They're gonna be bad moments, good moments, but as long as I approach it with I'm gonna win, I’m gonna fight, I'm gonna live, you can't possibly expect anything but a positive outcome from taking that much responsibility towards your own happiness.
We try to have people make our happiness so often, but happiness comes from self. It's generated from self. And that's the beauty of it, is that you know that this is your superpower. You can make yourself happy. It might be difficult. You might have obstacles, but you are that beautiful, you're that unique, you're that miraculous, that you can conjure happiness. It's going to take effort in a lot of cases and you know, I'm not minimizing how hard happiness is to achieve. But you can do it. You can.
Lance:
One last thing before I let you go. So this strength that was put on your shoulders growing up has brought you to a breaking point and has pulled you out of a breaking point. What is that experience like?
Erika:
It's very similar to when you asked me earlier about how do I pull myself out of a depressive episode. It's like when you realize, yeah, it's messed up. It's the cards I've been dealt. It's not cool. Observe that feeling. Feel that feeling. And me releasing the strong black woman was feeling it. I had to go through and feel all the trauma that it had impacted and inflicted upon me and I released it. So when you release it, you're able to see objectively the things that you learned, good and bad, from it.
Lance:
Yeah
Erika:
One of the good things I learned was that I can survive, I can fight, and I can win. So if all of that is true, and it's happened in the past, even if it had been shrouded under this negative mantra of the strong black woman, it's still a power that I have within me.
Lance:
Right, right.
Erika:
So I can leave all the rest that doesn't benefit me, like not having any other emotions, not letting people in, not letting people help me, believing that vulnerability is weakness. I can leave all of that and take the fact that I can survive. I always tell people, you gotta find some kind of positive in your negative, no matter how deep that negative is. Find something you can use with the last bit of fuel to get yourself out of there.
Lance:
That's true. That's good advice. That's really good advice. Oh, great. Well, thank you, thank you, thank you, for talking with us.
Eli:
This is Unsilent. Thank you for listening. Today's episode is hosted by Lance Bordelon and produced by me, Eli Lawson, Lance, John Panicucci, and the rest of the incredible NoStigmas marketing team. Special thanks to Erika, for sharing your story this week. To go beyond the show, connect with us on social media, or visit nostigmas.org to learn more about mental health topics. Please leave us a five star review and share with others wherever you listen to podcasts. We’d really appreciate it. New episodes of Unsilent come out every Wednesday at 2:00pm Eastern time. Finally, remember that whatever you're going through, you don't have to do it alone. Be Unsilent. We’ll see you next week.