About the Episode

In today's episode of UNSILENT, we get to know Brittany, a writer and advocate living with mental health challenges including Borderline Personality Disorder and OCD . 📺 Watch at youtu.be/Wemz1TFDJTE and stream wherever you listen to podcasts. 🍎 🎧 apple.co/3RXFOwL. In this first part of our two-part conversation with Brittany, she opens up about living with these disorders and the impact they've had on her personal life. She also shares some of the specific challenges and experiences she's had with these disorders, and notably, when she, in 2019, decided to voluntarily admit herself to seek treatment and recovery, and since then, has gone on to be a fierce mental health advocate. She also leaves us with some thoughts on ways that we can best advocate for the youth in our lives. We know these conversations are sometimes difficult to have, and we thank Brittany so much for putting her advocacy in action and opening up and sharing her life experiences with us.

Be sure to visit nostigmas.org/unsilent to watch, listen to, and read all of our conversations this season. We are survivors, thrivers, advocates, and Allies. We see you. We love you.

BE UNSILENT 💚

Episode Notes

Thank you for being here. To go beyond the show, consider leaving us a positive review and sharing wherever you listen to podcasts! Follow us and reach out on social media @nostigmas. We'd love to connect with you. To learn more about NoStigmas and how we can team up to fight stigmas, visit nostigmas.org.

Special Thanks To…

Guest: Brittany Eldridge

Connect with Brittany:

Facebook - tr.ee/pZ2HpLCXtD

Website - beldridge18.wixsite.com/healingthelight

Books - www.lulu.com/spotlight/eldridge90

Podcast - tinyurl.com/4t4xe9ke

Radio - zeno.fm/rise-above

Links - linktr.ee/brittanyalyce

LinkedIn - tr.ee/YJhFGStKIp

Helpful Links and Resources

NoStigmas Website: nostigmas.org

Meet the Team!

John Panicucci | Video Editor

Lance Bordelon | Marketing Coordinator

Jacob Moore | NoStigmas Founder & Unsilent EP | @jacobmoore

Music

Another Day Of Moon by BatchBug | soundcloud.com/batchbug

Music promoted by free-stock-music.com

Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Brittany: Uh, you know, I've struggled with, uh, suicidal ideation. I've been in the emergency room, um, more times than I can. Um, I've been brought involuntarily, uh, for suicidal ideation. I've sat in, you know, the suicide watch rooms. Um, it's been, it's my life has been quite challenging. We'll say.

[00:00:21] Lance: Hi, I'm Lance and this is UNSILENT, a S.P.E.A.K. series by NoStigmas that champions mental health advocacy and challenges the stigmas that all too often prevent people from getting the help they need. We're so glad you're here. In today's episode, we get to know Brittany, who's a passionate mental health advocate and writer with mental health challenges, including Borderline Personality Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In this first part of our two part conversation with Brittany, she opens up about living with these disorders and the impact they've had on her personal life. She also opens up about some of the specific challenges and experiences she's had with these disorders, and notably, when she, in 2019, decided to voluntarily admit herself to seek treatment and recovery, and since then, has gone on to be a fierce mental health advocate. She also leaves us with some thoughts on ways that we can best advocate for the youth in our lives. We know these conversations are difficult to have, and we thank Brittany so much for putting her advocacy in action and opening up and sharing her life experiences with us today. All right, let's dive in.

[00:01:18] Brittany: Um, my name is Brittany Eldridge and I reside in New Hampshire. Um, I consider myself a mental health survivor, um, as I've kind of battled my own. Demons as we'll call it. Um, and it's been quite a challenging road, uh, to, you know, not only receive the diagnoses of mental illness, but also to kind of work through it and also function in society.

[00:01:44] Um, so along the challenging road, um, that's, you know, stemmed all the way from childhood to now. I've kind of, um, you know, delved into my creative side recently and, uh, was able to. Kind of expand upon writing, um, and more so expressive, um, art, I should say. And, um, I guess, you know, my mission, uh, is to share my story as sometimes, you know, they say not to like overshare, but I feel as though, um, it gives people an idea of what someone, you know, who has a diagnosis, uh, what they're going through and where it comes from.

[00:02:28] Um, and kind of a little bit of hope, uh, to maybe hold on. So I've kind of, um, that's what I've been doing. I've been, um, reaching out to libraries, getting my books in libraries, uh, getting my books in like little, um, indie art stores. Uh, so that's kind of, you know, what I'm doing now. I wanna just kind of touch upon something recently that I, that I did, um, did therapy randomly one day,

[00:03:08] you know, experiment in, uh, so when she was doing the therapy, basically, uh, it's like. This thing she does with her fingers and she does this motion and basically it's, uh, energy and it's, it's a long, it's a more indepth process. I'm not sure I could really explain it. Um, it's on her website, but she was able to, or her fingers rather, pulled apart at the age of six years old.

[00:03:34] So I think of myself at the age of six years. And I can remember myself sitting on my father's, uh, porch steps. I had visitation with him on the weekends. And I could remember sitting there one day begging my dad that he bring me home because I knew that my mom was going my, I, I had just had this fear rather that, you know, my mom has, was gonna be dead, um, because she married a very abusive.

[00:04:03] And so at the age of six years old, probably when I should have been worrying about, you know, play and creative creativeness and, uh, socializing with friends and things like that and learning. Um, I was more geared towards adult problems. So a lot of chaos in the house. Um, a lot of fear was instilled in me.

[00:04:24] Um, you know, I watched my mom, uh, basically struggled through her own traumas, her unhealed, uh, childhood wounds. Basically because of her choices and what she was dealing with, she didn't always choose, um, healthy relationships. So I was, uh, you know, seeing all of that going on, Uh, at the age of six also, um, I experienced the abandonment from my father.

[00:04:49] Uh, he walked out of my life, uh, for his. Own reasons with mental health, um, drugs, alcohol, and also, um, you know, there was some things going on in the family as well that made it really, uh, complicated. So not only was I, uh, you know, a young child seeing chaos in my home with my mother's relationships, I also experience, um, you know, my dad abandoning me.

[00:05:16] Uh, so I went through all these developmental, uh, periods of my life. Um, With some of my, I guess, emotional needs not met. Um, so then I went into middle school, uh, so middle school rather, and, um, struggled with an eating disorder. Uh, so I, um, struggled with anorexia, was under doctor's care for that. So, a little bit further, um, I, you know, going through high school, I took college prep classes and I took a cosmetology course.

[00:05:47] Um, I, you know, I did very well in school. I don't know how they did very well in school. Um, I had troubles with being on time. Um, you know, there were times when my mom was gonna threaten the truancy officer on me cause I had a really hard time. Um, and at that time I didn't really know what I was battling.

[00:06:07] I didn't really know I had mental illness. Um, the only thing I knew about mental illness was my mom mentioning of my dad, um, at that time. And so, Amongst going to high school, I also worked full time, so I was very, very busy. I basically would go to school, come home, go to work, stay up after work till about two in the morning doing schoolwork and repeat it for the next five days.

[00:06:31] My mom ended up being a single mom afterwards and had two more children. Um, so I kind of took the role of, um, having to pay for my own things, like my car and all that stuff. So I basically, um, you know, Had to take like responsibilities, um, kind of at a young age. So, so then, uh, that graduated in a four year relationship as well.

[00:06:59] Um, kind around the time I graduated high school and, uh, months after I graduated high school, I was working one night and um, I got a phone call that my high school boyfriend guided a car crash. So that was my first experience with. Like a tragic loss and grief and all of that. Um, so that was very hard.

[00:07:21] Uh, and then of course, um, I get married and, uh, you know, I struggled with borderline personality disorder, which I was diagnosed age of. Um, also struggled with major depression, ocd, phobia, and all of that. And, It was, it kind of, I would say, uh, ruined my relationship. And I think that, you know, I, I feel that two people who come together in a relationship, they kind of bring their own inequities and so, I'm working through that part as far as the blame, but um, yeah, it's been challenging with mental health.

[00:07:59] Uh, and you know, it's the last three years now I should say. I've kind in an awakening process, kind delving into childhood, delving into, uh, the effects of, uh, fam learned family behavior. Um, and it's been quite challenging. Uh, it really, really has been quite challenging. Um, and, and in 2019 also, I voluntarily brought myself to the hospital, uh, for mental health reasons.

[00:08:31] Uh, so I've been through it all pretty much. I feel like, uh, you know, I've struggled with, uh, suicidal ideation. I've been in the emergency room, um, more times than I can count. Um, I've been brought involuntarily, uh, for suicidal ideation. I've sat. You know, the suicide watch rooms. Um, it's been, it's, my life has been quite challenging, we'll say.

[00:08:55] And, you know, a person, what I've learned with borderline personality disorder, they struggle with, you know, severe emptiness, uh, you know, struggle with, um, kind of like an identity crisis. Uh, they also struggle with abandonment issues where they'll even go to the extreme measures of avoiding abandonment.

[00:09:13] Um, you know, so there's a lot. Um, A lot going on with it. And, you know, recently I read a book, um, about trauma. And what I've learned is that all these disorders that I have, really the main root of it is trauma. So that's kinda where I've, where I'm going with that. So for me, O C D. Stemmed from when I was wor after I worked as a housekeeper.

[00:09:40] Um, I noticed that it would magnify, so I think I already had some type of ocd. It's just like certain things in life can magnify those symptoms, I guess. So I worked as a housekeeper and in a hospital, and I, I guess my brain.

[00:09:59] Kind of correlated some certain traumatic, um, events, hospital, very hard things. And so I develop this OCD, cleanliness and, um, contamination rather, uh, and would always have. Every day would have to clean my car with Lysol, Lysol White spray, Lysol. I'd have clean my shoes inside. When I home, I had to take my, bring the washer.

[00:10:33] So wasn't like, were like the, had to put a pair of socks, um, by the door and I had to take my shoes off before I got into the door and put these clean socks. And it didn't matter if it was rain and snow. Um, thunder. It didn't matter what weather. Uh, and also I got to the point where I'd have to wash my walls and because that's what I did at the hospital, so I felt like I had to do it at home.

[00:11:01] So I washed pretty much all the paint off my walls. Um, I wouldn't sit on people's furniture if I went to their house because I feel like I was getting contaminated. Um, I didn't let anybody go in my, like, I wouldn't let visitors come visit me at my house because I felt like after they left I had to do this whole, like severe, like, like cleaning of my inside of my house because I felt like it was contaminated.

[00:11:27] Um, I wouldn't touch doorknobs, I'd have to use a paper towel. Um, so that where like the OCD was, it was very, uh, controlling. Um, I wouldn't let people in my vehicle because I felt too, like they were bringing germs. They came in, I just spent hours cleaning it. Um, so it was more of like cleaning contamination.

[00:11:44] It was just, um, I'm not so bad now. There are some rituals that I feel I still need to do to protect myself from germs. Um, and now it's progressed to, um, is exist, essential crisis. So I've had a lot of, um, thoughts about why do I exist? Why am I here? Why do we die? Where do we go when we. Why do we talk like all these, why, why, why exist?

[00:12:08] Essential questions. So I've struggled severely with that, um, and more so recently. Um, and then one last thing about ocd. I've struggled with, uh, religion, uh, OCD as well because, um, I feel as though, you know, I, I question my spirituality, beliefs and all of that, um, because I feel there's so. Information around us in the world a lot of times, you know, I just questioning like religion and stuff.

[00:12:35] Um, and then for borderline personality disorder, I feel like it's pretty much ruined every relationship I've ever had. Um, cause I have this fear that I'm being abandoned and so when I feel like I'm being abandoned, my whole body goes into this fight to flight. And then of course my parasympathetic nervous.

[00:12:56] Feels like it's under attack and I feel like I can't deal with the heightened emotions that I'm experiencing, and I feel like until I get that, um, person or place to soothe me, I feel like I can't calm the heightened emotions that are, that I'm experiencing. So also with borderline personality disorder, I'm, you know, I constantly feel like empty, like I just feel like a bottomless pit.

[00:13:27] Um, I've also, because of borderline personality disorder, I've also struggled with, um, derealization and dissociation, uh, which has been challenging. So nonetheless, because I've also got the O C D symptoms, so, I'm obsessing about, you know, the borderline personality disorder, um, symptoms that I'm struggling with.

[00:13:48] So it's a, it's almost like a war inside my own self. And, uh, it's really, really hard to experience joy and happiness because, you know, it's just, um, it's just, it's really hard and, and boundaries are really hard with me as well. Um, so that's kinda. Kind of where I'm at with that. You know, I think of, uh, recycled percussion.

[00:14:16] Um, they're like a, well, they're like a band that, you know, plays on recycled percussion, but they also have this mission to impact others' lives. So, for example, I watched this video that they recorded where, um, there was a little boy that got made fun of, he was bullied and recycled percussion, went to the school and had a, um, assembly.

[00:14:41] And had the kid come up to the, And while Justin Spencer, the owner, percussion, was drumming, he had the kid do a dance and

[00:14:57] the kids

[00:15:03] stumped because this famous person chose that person. They've been bullying all that. It showed value in that person that was being bullied and kind of, I felt was an eye opening experience for all those kids because they're like, Wait a minute, I, and, and I just think that, you know,

[00:15:27] some, some kids like you know, are even the ones that are bullying, are being bullied, or maybe they're dealing with chaos at home. I just think that there needs to be more, Connectedness, more awareness, more. I'm there for you, you're there for me, type of thing. I've got you, you know, you've got me. Um, that we're all in this together.

[00:15:45] That even if we've got the slightest difference, that it's doesn't make us any who we, I just, um, you know, I just think you know, too, Having more in the schools, you know, not just about learning and studying about the earth rock or learning what adjective is, it's about your emotional health as well. And I think, you know, bringing that into the school, uh, you know, is important to also acknowledge, um, that in schools, uh, cause it's, you know, when I was struggling with anorexia, I still went into school and learned.

[00:16:27] You know, what the next topic in global studies was, and you know, so it's like I just, and there's a lot of, you know, body dysmorphic, body shaming and all of that. And it, it's just a lot of people are just feeling not accepted or understood or like they don't belong and because they have something wrong with them.

[00:16:47] And I think even the person with the most wrong with them still has something beautiful that they can share, a gift they can share with others. They end up, you know, committing suicide, not even being able to share that gift with others in the world. So that's just what I think on that.

[00:17:05] Lance: To go beyond the show, be sure to connect with us on all social media platforms @NoStigmas, and you can always reach out at nostigmas.org to connect with us and see how we can team up together to champion mental health equity for all.

[00:17:16] Remember to break these stigmas. We must be UNSILENT. We'll see you next time.

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