UNSILENT: A SPEAK SERIES BY NOSTIGMAS EP. 8 - "A.C.E.s of Diamonds: Thriving in Recovery" with guest, Marella. She opens up about what it was like realizing she had a 10/10 on the Adverse Childhood Experiences test (ACEs).
She walks us through some of those formative moments from her past and how she has used her mental health awareness as a source of strength in her life and the lives of her children. She also talks on resiliency and how we all can evolve past self-care to advocacy for ourselves and those we love.
Be sure to tune in right here every Wednesday at 2 PM Eastern for more REAL talk with REAL people. You can also visit nostigmas.org/unsilent [LINK IN BIO] to watch, listen to, and read all of our conversations this season. We are survivors, thrivers, advocates, and Allies. We see you. We love you. BE UNSILENT 💚
SPECIAL THANKS TO:
Guest: Marella Mylet
Host: Elizabeth Notestine IG:@elizabethclare__
MEET THE TEAM
Video Editor: John Panicucci
Producer: Eli Lawson IG:@earisistableeli
Marketing: Lance Bordelon & Maggie Seagraves
Founder: Jacob Moore IG:@jacobmoore
www.nostigmas.org
#ACES #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ACEsupported #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalhealthsupport #mentalhealthstigma #mentalhealthstories #mentalhealthstoriesmatter #suicideprevention #mentalhealthallies #anxietyawareness #depressionawareness
SHOW NOTES:
Marella:
I just wrote out this 20 page history of my life, starting from when I was born to that day. And I plopped it in front of them, and I said, Listen, I don't even know if I'm gonna be here next month. Like, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I can't feel this way anymore.
Eli:
This is Unsilent, a Speak series from NoStigmas that champions mental health advocacy and challenges the stigmas that prevent people from getting the help they need. I'm Eli Lawson, a producer for the show. This week, NoStigmas’ Elizabeth Notestine will be having a conversation with, well, my mom, Marella, a mother of six and a fiercely strong, compassionate woman. We'll take a deep dive into Marella’s past and see how it relates to ACEs or Adverse Childhood Experiences, how the discovery of the ACE test changed her life, and the immense power of resilience. Thank you for being here. If you want to learn more, or contact us, visit nostigmas.org Don't face it alone. Be Unsilent.
This week's episode contains numerous examples of child abuse, some instances of self harm, and suicidal tendencies that may be triggering for some. It's okay if you need to skip this one. Do what's right for you.
Elizabeth:
So, why don't you just start by, in a nutshell, talking a little bit about yourself and how you arrived at NoStigmas.
Marella:
Well, I currently am 38, and I have six kiddos. Eli being my oldest. I'm going through my second divorce. And it's been a rough one that's kind of bringing up some of the issues from my past, which I would directly well, we'll talk about them when we talk about the ACEs. And, I really felt like when I found out about ACEs that I had discovered this goldmine for what I had experienced, and how I could overcome some of the issues that I thought that I was stuck with. So, I guess I'm here because I had a really hard life, but I have six little people that I have to keep going for.
Elizabeth:
How would you describe what ACEs means?
Marella:
Yeah, so I guess very basically, the definition is that, there are 10 categories that both pediatricians and psychologists agreed were the 10 most traumatic things that could happen to someone from ages zero to 18. And there are lots of different things that can be within these categories, but there's 10 pretty broad ones. So you would answer the questions, and you would get a point for if you had experienced it or not. And 10 would be the maximum that you could have. And I took the test and I had 10. I don't know how common that is, but I do know that when you have a score over six then it starts to be problematic as far as health issues and mental health issues that you experience. Often times they rear their ugly heads in your 30s, so you can get through feeling okay and then all of a sudden you have problems like you can't get out of bed, you have fatigue issues, you start having skin problems or nightmares or thyroid problems, like so many different things.
Elizabeth:
So when did you take the test initially?
Marella:
So I found out about it, I think about three or four years ago. I can't remember for sure, but it was at least three years ago. And I had a friend who was going through therapy and she was doing the one where they bring you back through your childhood experiences and you have to pick a safe thing that walks through those experiences with you. And she was telling me about how she had this bear that was walking through all of her childhood experiences with her and now she had this bear that was with her whenever she was experiencing issues now. So,she said that her therapist had recommended a book by Nadine Burke Harris, and she is now the attorney general for California, and she is just a wealth of knowledge on the subject. She discovered in her medical practice that so many kids were having health issues that other doctors were kind of just overlooking or saying were regular kid problems like ADHD, and shyness, and all sorts of things. And she just went on this trailblaze to figure out what ACEs were about and how they were affecting these kids so that she could try to prevent the problems that they were going to experience later in life but also address the things that she was seeing in her office. So I read this book, which is called The Deepest Well. And I just couldn't put it down like I had got it. I'd got it on Audible,and so I would go to the gym and and just run on the treadmill and listen to the book. When I finished it, I listened to it again, and again, and again. I was excited because I had found what I thought was the answer to some of the problems that I was experiencing, but what I loved the most about her book and the way she presented ACEs was that she did not present it isolated from resiliency. And so she actually talked a lot about how you shouldn't even take the ACE test if you don't take it alongside the Resiliency Test because you you don't want to get yourself in a spot where you feel hopeless.
Elizabeth:
So what action did you want to take after you got that information about yourself?
Marella:
For me personally, I think that I wanted help for the ways that I was locked down about those things that had happened to me. So I think there were health problems that I was experiencing, but I had already really come through them at that point. So for me, taking that ACE test and then the Resiliency test was kind of an ‘Ah-ha’ moment of, wow, I really had that locked down. I knew that all of that mattered. I guess it would have been a year before, maybe two years before I took the test, and I went to Google and I found out about this disease, not really a disease, it's a thyroid disorder called Wilson's Temperature Syndrome. And it seemed to match pretty much everything that I was suffering as far as health problems went. I just had constant fatigue and adrenal problems, and we couldn't figure out how to fix them. I spent 1000s of dollars per month getting IV drips and like staying off coffee, never even looking at sugar. Just trying to do all these things that was like, yeah, I could have a pretty good life if I had no fun whatsoever. (Laughing) You have six kids,you need fun, you need to be able to put them to bed and have Oreos, like that's not fair.
So, I had gotten to the point though, where, partially my marriage, partially my childhood, but I had several years where every single day was a fight for my life. I would get to about 10 days around my period and just be hiding in my bathroom, like, begging God for the strength to not kill myself, because I didn't want my kids to walk in and find me. But that was month after month after month for a couple of years. And so I found out about this Wilson's Temperature Syndrome. They have a website where you can find doctors in your area who treat it because so many doctors don't recognize that it's even a thing. So, before I went, I just wrote out this 20-page history of my life starting from what I was born to that day, and I plopped it in front of him and I said, Listen, I don't even know if I'm gonna be here next month. Like, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I can't feel this way anymore. And he read through it while I sat there, and he was like, Wow, thank you so much for for doing this. This really does tell me everything that I need to know, I know exactly how to proceed now. And I promise you that you're going to be okay. We're going to get you on some things like hormones, natural stuff, and you're never going to feel this way again.
Eli:
If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org for support via live chat. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 other resources are linked in the show notes.
Marella:
And so he did the T3 treatment with me, he put me on progesterone, which is our happy hormone. Which, when you are going through traumatic things as a teenager, especially girls, their progesterone does not rise the way that it should. So one of the things that's happened to me is that I've had over 20 miscarriages because you have to have progesterone to sustain the pregnancy before the placenta does. So, he put me on progesterone did this T3 which is also kind of a happy hormone and cured this anxiety that I had daily, like panic-level anxiety since I was 12 years old. And sometimes it's not an easy fix for people, but because I had taken the ACE test alongside the resiliency test, I was asking questions like: If I've been through this trauma, this amount of trauma, if this amount of trauma should have killed me or I should have killed myself by now, why am I still here? Why am I still standing? Why am I actually living life every day? Why am I actually raising kids who are decent people and who other people want their kids to be around? Why am I capable of doing that? And so that's why the Resiliency test is so super.
Elizabeth:
As much as you're comfortable, would you just talk through a couple of the points on the ACEs that really stand out to you as critical? And how you would just describe their answers?
Marella:
Sure. So obviously, we're all different, and the things that are going to impact us are going to be different. So these are all just my personal opinions, but things that are fact are that there are three categories of the ACE test that the doctors have put them in. And it's abuse, neglect and household dysfunction. So abuse is physical, emotional, and sexual. Neglect is physical and emotional. Household dysfunction is mental illness, incarcerated relative, mother treated violently, substance abuse, and divorce. When a lot of people think of childhood trauma, they really are thinking of someone getting beat or molested. But there are some categories or questions here that I would say, not that those things aren't bad, but the things that happen that are smaller, shouldn't be pushed away as not important. Because a lot of times those really are the things that are hurtful. So the very first question is: Before your 18th birthday, did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often swear at you, insult you, put you down or humiliate you, or act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt? So, acting in a way that makes you feel like you might be physically hurt is a no brainer for people. But how many of us were never actually hit, or we never thought we were going to be hit, but our parents were swearing at us or telling us we were stupid or fat or whatever it is? Like, you're not going to amount to anything, I can't believe that I’m your parent. I have kids, and I would rather throw myself off of a bridge before I said that to any of my kids. But I remember my mom saying things like that to me, or even her brothers and sisters, my aunts and uncles. I have a memory that is just etched in my brain forever which did influence disordered eating and cutting and other things during my teenage life. I saved my money and went to the mall and bought myself a pair of those plaid stretchy pants that were in style for a while back when I was a teenager. And I was so proud because, one, I had bought them with my own money, and two, I had a bigger butt than my sister and I was like, wow I feel comfortable wearing these. And it’s okay, like this is my body, I thought maybe she would look better in them but I was still gonna wear them. So I wore them for a couple of weeks and then one day I came out of my room and my sister came out of her room and she was wearing the same pants. And I was like, what are you doing? And she's like, oh, Mom gave these to me. And so I went to my mom and I was like, what is going on? Like those are my pants, I just bought them. And she's like, oh you just don't have a body like your sister’s, so they look a lot better on her and you shouldn't be wearing things like that.
Elizabeth:
Oh my god.
Unknown Speaker 17:00
And again, I look at my daughters and I'm like, I would never say that to one of them. I think, who the hell hurt her to make her treat me this way? And I was her adopted kid, her other two kids were her birth children. And she was just atrocious to me, but I do think that words have great, great, great power. And being physically abused is a horrible thing. And then I would also say that you're not often physically abused without being emotionally abused at the same time. But then I will say that I was a double yes on that one because my mother also just beat the crap out of me. Probably the thing that was the most harmful that people don't think about is just those little things that you say. If my mother had said, just isolated, oh, you don't have a body that looks good in those pants. It still would have been as harmful had I not experienced the physical abuse and other things you just, yeah, I don't know
Elizabeth:
So in your healing process, I'm curious to know how much understanding or compassion you feel like you can have towards that generational trauma or someone else's traumatic experience, how it trickled down and impacted you. Because I wrap my head around it, and I think, I don't have that experience, but I have an experience with intimate partner violence and with that individual I see the abuse of family, I see the impact of someone being a result of a lot of trauma and a lot of bad childhood experiences. And it's hard because you don't ever want to excuse behavior, especially when it deeply traumatized you. But how much compassion do you feel like you've had towards the people in your life? And what actions have you taken to address that with them, or not?
Marella:
First of all, I'm sorry that you have experienced that, and that is awful. The reason that I'm getting divorced now is because of intimate partner violence. So I would say that it's influenced my compassion in positive and negative ways. I think that I went on with the violence in my marriage for far too long because I knew where it was coming from and had compassion. And I was hopeful that, if he got therapy, then he could heal and he would change. And it wasn't me wanting to change him, it was just me living my own experience and knowing that there is healing if you really want to get into the trauma of your past and I was excited and hopeful for him. I think that, even though I have that compassion and I understand that, I know my mom had a terrible childhood, but… I got rid of the anxiety with this doctor, but I still was having problems with fibromyalgia. My body was in pain all the time. But after I got rid of the anxiety, I actually took a trip to see my adoptive little sister who lived in Germany. My dad took me to go see her and her family. And after we visited her, we stopped over in Paris for three days, just my dad and I. And I finally told him everything that had happened in my childhood, and he was always traveling, so he was really just trying to get away from my mom as well, and was just very absent. He's like, I wish you had told me, because I would have gotten you guys out of there. I don't know about you guys, because my brother and sister were very much a part of the problem at that point, but also because of my mother's influence. But he was like, I would have gotten you out of there and I would have protected you. And I told him, I don't really want to be here anymore a lot of the time. It's really hard for me. And he said two things. One, I think that you're so wonderful and I hope that you'll stay. And the other thing was, why do you still talk to her? Why is she a part of your life? Why is she a part of your children's lives? And I was like, wow, I don't know. Because I didn't talk to my birth mother. She was crazy. And she would try to parent me at 30 years old and I was like, I don't know you. I didn't grow up with you and you chose to do heroin instead of be my mother, so you don't get to have that opinion. Yet I was doing the same thing with my adoptive mother. I was letting her have this place in my life and these opinions that she didn't earn. And I finally just wrote her letter and it basically said, I know that you've been hurt as a child. I don't know your story. I know some of the things you've told me about how your dad treated you. You haven't really been open about a lot of other things, but I will say that it was your responsibility when you adopted me to bring me into your home and treat me like you treated your other children, and to raise me up as a child that you loved and you didn't. You abused me and you took out your trauma and your anger on me and that's not okay. And so while I'm extremely sorry for the pain that you suffered as a child, I do recognize now that the way that you treated me was still not okay. I am not lying or exaggerating when I say that the moment I dropped that letter into the mailbox, all of the pain in my body went away and it has never come back since. Every ounce of it. I know, I know.
Elizabeth:
Oh my god, I have chills. Wow.
Marella:
And it was just that I had been holding it in, and making excuses, and I finally had this opportunity to say to her, I see you. I see the pain that you've experienced, but it still doesn't make it right that you put it on me. So I'm very sorry for you, but also you don't get to do this anymore. And you don't get to deny that it happened. And that, for me, that whole experience was a product of of ACEs and what happens when we don't recognize that we have this childhood trauma. We hold it in our bodies. And some people's experiences are not that traumatic, but since mine was, I now am on this mission to help other people figure out how childhood trauma affects their life.
Eli:
This is Unsilent. Thank you for listening. Today's episode was hosted by Elizabeth Notestine and produced by me, Eli Lawson, Lance Bordelon, John Panicucci and the rest of the incredible NoStigmas marketing team. Special thanks to Marella, for sharing your story this week and being so bold and open about your experiences. Love you, Mom. To go beyond the show, connect with us on social media, or visit nostigmas.org to learn more about mental health topics. Please leave us a five star review and share with others wherever you listen to podcasts. We'd really appreciate it. New episodes of Unsilent come out every Wednesday at 2pm Eastern time. Finally, remember that, whatever you're going through, you don't have to do it alone. Be Unsilent We'll see you next week.