I was 15 years old when I started dating my first boyfriend. Everything went really great for the first few months. Then he swiftly changed.
He was physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive. One of the ways he controlled me was by informing me that I wasn’t allowed to eat. He said I was a disgusting cow. I began to binge eat but I would feel so guilty I would vomit or if he caught me eating without his permission he would force me to be sick, all the while reminding me how repulsive I was to look at and that I had to look good enough for him. I started to believe him. I would live off of sunflower seeds and water. When I did finally break and eat, my body rejected it. I didn’t have to make myself sick, my body did it for me.
After I finally had enough and left him, his messages stayed in my head. Away from him I finally stabilized to being able to eat every day, but only eating once and never being over a certain weight. I finally became pregnant after 4 years of trying and a diagnosis of endometriosis. I was so healthy and happy while I was pregnant. I felt great and my daughter was healthy. But unfortunately after she was born I slowly relapsed to lose the baby weight. But my goal weight was dangerously low; I hated having a triple digit weight.
My husband was never mean or said anything about my weight but I couldn’t get my ex’s voice out of my head. I dropped to a dangerously low weight before I finally snapped out of it. I realized I don’t want my kids to see their mommy slowly wither away into skin and bones. It’s still a daily struggle to eat but I’m staying healthy. Every day I hear my ex’s voice in my head but I know I am just fine the way that I am. And my kids need their mommy, not the skeleton she was.