There is only one thing I have ever been certain about in life; becoming a mother. There was never any question in my mind that one day I would have children of my own. Whenever I thought about the future I always imagined all the wonderful memories I would create with my children. I dedicated several years in my mid to late twenties focusing on becoming the best version of myself. Keeping my depression and anxiety in line was always a big reason for this but it was also about preparing myself to be the best mom I could be. I never wanted my future child to feel the burden of my illness, I needed to be in the best possible place for myself before I could become a mother.
During this self-improvement journey I noticed that my body was not allowing me to make the transition into motherhood even though my mind and soul were ready. I was told that when the time came I would probably have to try assisted reproductive therapy to conceive a child. This of course is something no woman longing for motherhood wants to hear. After grieving the news however, I decided that diagnosis did not have to be part of my story. I was not going to give in that easily. After about a year of lifestyle changes and introducing holistic therapies my body started responding. I was relieved. Shortly after I tested positive on a pregnancy test, this was it, I was going to be a mom. Six weeks later I went to the ER and discovered I had suffered a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. A few hours after that I was being prepped for surgery to remove the pregnancy and damaged fallopian tube. I could not believe how quickly things had changed. Although the pregnancy was short lived I formed a connection with my child immediately and the pain of our loss was very real. Four months later I experienced another loss after miscarrying. This is not how my journey into motherhood was supposed to be. I mourned, I cried, I questioned, I overcame. I knew deep down this was not the end of my journey, I wanted this too much, I worked too hard to get here. I truly believed the universe had a plan for me. Years ago I would never have been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Having faith that things can turn out for the better and keeping a positive attitude were not things I was capable of. Though after dedicating all those years to bettering myself, I learned how to make the best of a negative situation. I was able to let go and let be.
Last weekend I celebrated my first Mother’s Day with my brand new baby girl. The universe had conspired to help me achieve the most precious gift. Now I cannot imagine being a mother to any other child, this special little being was destined for me all along. The journey is never easy, it can be filled with doubt and heavy emotions, but once it is over you appreciate the experience. I believe I am even more grateful for the gift of motherhood having gone through the hard times. Is there something in your life you wanted more than anything? Was there a mentality you embraced to help you achieve it?