I was diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder (MDD) and General Anxiety Disorder when I was 16. I tried a medicine that should help, but I was a very small teenage girl prescribed the same dose as my 40-year-old mother. It wasn’t working out for me very well. I stopped taking pills, at which time I started talk therapy.
Although talking helped, I still had a 6 month period that I needed more help, and the Dr. had me try a different pill. It worked better than the first, but eventually the effects plateaued and I didn’t want to increase my doses, so I tapered off completely.
I managed to start my long term relationship and have a child at 19 years old. I didn’t have insurance coverage for long; not only was I completely on my own in the mental health area, but I had really horrible dental problems that I had no coverage for. The pain and illness I felt was very real. I was lost for a long time. Me, my husband and child had moved to a larger city nearby, and I was able to find a charity dental clinic that gave me free oral surgery to remove all the bad tissue in my jaws. A few months later, after my gums had healed, I was referred to a technical college to have my dentures made. Again, I am very blessed because I only paid for travel to and from my appointments. My new teeth are so well made no one knows unless I tell them.
I will be 36 years old soon. I recently changed my insurance and lost my therapist, but right before that happened he changed the order of my disorders. My GAD is primary to my MDD, which is what I have felt for most of my life. Now, with my mental health journey being up to me and my immediate support system, which is made of quite a bit of people, home family [husband, child, adopted brother, my pets, brother’s pets], extended family that is only a phone call or text away, and my friends [online and local], and co-workers & managers; I know I am not alone.
I feel positive about my wellbeing at this moment. I am journaling as often as I have time for and I exercise two to three times a week, maybe more if I am restless. Trying new things to train myself further, improving and developing my professional skills in a multiple ways, and squeezing in time for meditation and silence and listening. In my constant quest to heal I not only write in my journal, but also try to put my words and thoughts into a pleasing pattern. I have included the next lines as my example of being in my head.
Always saw you in the fading
Yellow glow of a neon orange sunset;
Did not realize I would never see
You in the unfiltered white light of sunrise.
I missed the beginning and it was over
Before I was aware I held it.
Love begins to burn when not allowed to flow.
Did not realize what would have truly been.
Thrown off guard and put into a wordless
Awe as the universe reveals it’s self to me.
Minutes tick by endlessly
And I didn’t know how to fill the space in my brain.
Obsession, I fear is not far behind.
It scratches at the back door of my heart.
And my soul tries to hide.
Ten years pass in an instant; a heartbeat of time.
Even when everyday feels like another lost in darkness.
The light will shine through to you.
Pain tried to steal my will
And poisoned my soul.
But, I refused to be put down.
My candle always burns bright.
My mind had cleared and I can see the blazing sun.
The questions are answered, the moment I started to
Wonder if anyone really heard me...