By MIRANDA

I was diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder (MDD) and General Anxiety Disorder when I was 16. I tried a medicine that should help, but I was a very small teenage girl prescribed the same dose as my 40-year-old mother. It wasn’t working out for me very well. I stopped taking pills, at which time I started talk therapy.

Although talking helped, I still had a 6 month period that I needed more help, and the Dr. had me try a different pill. It worked better than the first, but eventually the effects plateaued and I didn’t want to increase my doses, so I tapered off completely.

I managed to start my long term relationship and have a child at 19 years old. I didn’t have insurance coverage for long; not only was I completely on my own in the mental health area, but I had really horrible dental problems that I had no coverage for. The pain and illness I felt was very real. I was lost for a long time. Me, my husband and child had moved to a larger city nearby, and I was able to find a charity dental clinic that gave me free oral surgery to remove all the bad tissue in my jaws. A few months later, after my gums had healed, I was referred to a technical college to have my dentures made. Again, I am very blessed because I only paid for travel to and from my appointments. My new teeth are so well made no one knows unless I tell them.

I will be 36 years old soon. I recently changed my insurance and lost my therapist, but right before that happened he changed the order of my disorders. My GAD is primary to my MDD, which is what I have felt for most of my life. Now, with my mental health journey being up to me and my immediate support system, which is made of quite a bit of people, home family [husband, child, adopted brother, my pets, brother’s pets], extended family that is only a phone call or text away, and my friends [online and local], and co-workers & managers; I know I am not alone.

I feel positive about my wellbeing at this moment. I am journaling as often as I have time for and I exercise two to three times a week, maybe more if I am restless. Trying new things to train myself further, improving and developing my professional skills in a multiple ways, and squeezing in time for meditation and silence and listening. In my constant quest to heal I not only write in my journal, but also try to put my words and thoughts into a pleasing pattern. I have included the next lines as my example of being in my head.

RECOVERY-

Always saw you in the fading

Yellow glow of a neon orange sunset;

Did not realize I would never see

You in the unfiltered white light of sunrise.

I missed the beginning and it was over

Before I was aware I held it.

Love begins to burn when not allowed to flow.

Did not realize what would have truly been.

Thrown off guard and put into a wordless

Awe as the universe reveals it’s self to me.

Minutes tick by endlessly

And I didn’t know how to fill the space in my brain.

Obsession, I fear is not far behind.

It scratches at the back door of my heart.

And my soul tries to hide.

Ten years pass in an instant; a heartbeat of time.

Even when everyday feels like another lost in darkness.

The light will shine through to you.

Pain tried to steal my will

And poisoned my soul.

But, I refused to be put down.

My candle always burns bright.

My mind had cleared and I can see the blazing sun.

The questions are answered, the moment I started to

Wonder if anyone really heard me...

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