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ptsd

In Sickness and in Mental Health

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In Sickness and in Mental Health

I think most of you know me as @carersvent. But my real name is Samantha and I became my husband’s carer back in 2011 after the physical health problems he had been hiding from me for years finally became too much. He suffers from Chronic Pain, ME, Functional Neurological Disorder and early onset Arthritis. The list of symptoms go on and on, but after constant pain, these cause him to fall, have dizzy spells, muscle paralysis, muscle spasms, seizures, etc, etc.

What I didn’t realise was that he was also hiding some severe mental health issues too. 

I’d always known that, like myself, he struggles bouts of depression. In fact in 2004 he left his job as Senior Store Designer for a well-known supermarket after what I can only describe as a mini breakdown. At the time I thought it was just the pressure of his job had got to him. Little did I know that his depression was far more severe than that and he was struggling with thoughts of suicide. 

Within weeks of becoming my husband’s carer it was clear to me that it was more than his physical health, but also his mental health that he was having problems with. I’ve always thought of my husband as being very strong, confident and having a larger than life personality, but I had also seen another side of him where he would verbally attack me (I will talk about this more later).


So it took me by surprise when my husband started having major panic attacks! I don’t know how, but I somehow pushed my own surprise, fear and emotions aside and just took charge. It wasn’t really a conscious choice to become his carer, it was just what I did without thinking as there was nobody else.
I think the most extreme example of him having a panic attack was at his ESA Assessment, My husband went through what can only be called a range of emotions, which included him trying to harm himself, crying, screaming, shouting, laughing and being terrified. To me he always looks like a lost child when he gets like this. It does shock me seeing him like this, but I simply have to put that aside and take care of him.
When he gets like this I usually talk to him in a calm and reassuring manner and tell him “I won’t let anyone hurt you”. If you saw me doing this you’d think I was talking to a child and not a grown man. It’s sad how mental health can change someone you love so much, but you have to remember that it should never define them. They haven’t chosen to be this way.
My husband also suffers with severe anxiety and when it gets really bad he will harm himself, either by scratching his arms or bashing his head. I do my best to stop him hurting himself but, unfortunately, this can sometimes be difficult.

Whenever I have to take my husband to appointments I have to watch him constantly for signs of anxiety, panic attack and self harming. As if that wasn’t enough, he also suffers from non-epileptic seizures, so I also have to watch out for signs of those too…

I’m sure you’d all agree that trying to cope with all that is enough in itself, but my husband also has a very dark side to him. This is something I have had to deal with ever since I’ve known him (nearly 20 Years). He suffers from what we believe is Intermittent Explosive Disorder. We call this part of my husband Rob. This angry, arrogant person is the complete opposite of my husband. He’s very aggressive, verbally abusive and always wanting a fight. He never listens to reason and is very good at seeing your weak points and turning them against you. He’s the most spiteful person you will meet. He can be violent, like hitting walls, bashing furniture and throwing things (like cups and glasses at walls, etc), although I should make it clear though that he has never and never would hit a woman. It can be like flipping a switch, but you never know where the switch is or if it will trigger anything.

I would honestly have to say this is the most difficult, frustrating and confusing part of any of my husband’s mental health problems I have to deal with. Unlike his anxiety and panic attacks which I can usually deal with, this darker side of my husband is something I really wish I could just walk away from … but I can’t.

My husband was diagnosed with the Cluster B Personality Disturbances with Rage Control issues. Basically this means my husband is not constantly like this, but flips in and out - which sort of makes things difficult for both of us to cope with to say the least!
Yes, knowing my husband has Cluster B explains some of his problems but not all of them and having a label on it doesn’t make having to deal with it any easier. 

Cluster B Personality Disorder includes:-

Antisocial Personality Disorder: characterised by an ignorance of the entitlements of others, the absence of empathy, and (generally) a pattern of consistent criminal activity.

Borderline Personality Disorder: extreme ‘black and white’ thinking and long term unstable emotions – particularly when involving relationships, identity and behaviour. These feeling can lead to both self-harm and impulsive behaviour. 

Histrionic Personality Disorder: attention seeking behaviour that often includes inappropriate seductive conduct and superficial or inflated emotions.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: characterised by the consistent need for praise and admiration and a belief that they are special and ‘entitled’. Extreme jealously, arrogance and a lack of empathy are also usually present.
 


Since 2011 my husband has been seen by 5 different psychiatrists (including 2 neuro-psychiatrists) and 3 psychologists, some of whom said they couldn’t make a full assessment of my husband because of his rage control issues. But they have suggested that my husband also has “prolonged” PTSD - which if you saw what my husband has been through does make sense (since he was a kid he’s had close friends die, his 1st marriage broke down, several near death motor bike accidents, etc ….). 


So, how has all this affected my own health/mental health? Well I’m on medication for anxiety because I have stress induced migraines. I have also developed something called Vasovagal Syncope, which basically means if I get too stressed I can pass out. I also suffer with depression and OCD, which gets really bad when I get stressed out.
I have also been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, which I am currently not even being treated for, which is frustrating. I also experience hallucinations, which I’ve been told are caused by stress as well. Unfortunately with the life I have there’s no easy way to have less stress in my life…. 

I do struggle to take care of my husband, especially with the mental health conditions and I do sometimes wish someone else would take over. Then I feel guilty for wanting a normal life and I also ask why all this happened to my husband!? Yes, it’s difficult for me, but just imagine being my husband having to deal with all those different parts of himself and struggling to keep the dark side of himself from coming out and sometimes it will come out and there’s nothing my husband can do to stop it. He then feels all the guilt for whatever he said and did (he doesn’t always remember) … and all this on top of his physical health problems. He is basically having to battle with himself everyday and some days he doesn’t win. 


Last year, after being bounced around psychiatrists and psychologists (because all his physical problems are apparently in his head!), we were eventually given some couples therapy. Why? Because being my husbands carer and having to deal with his physical and mental health conditions has put a tremendous stain on our relationship. We’re both grateful we received this, but my husband desperately needs help with his rage control issues. We were told to contact Mind, but unfortunately they no longer offer help for this. 

So what next? I really don’t know … but what I do know is that my husband needs some professional help with all his mental health conditions, but sadly I don’t think he’ll ever get it on the NHS. 

Sometimes I look at my husband and don’t even recognize him because of what his mental health has done to him. If he has a good day I get a glimpse of the man I fell in love with, but unfortunately those days are very few - which is sad and makes me want to cry because I want my husband to be the way he once was …

 

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Knowing When to Get Help

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Knowing When to Get Help

It was an avalanche of trauma. My mom died, my husband lost his job, I quit my job, I had emergency surgery while on vacation in another state, we lost our health insurance, and we had major conflict with our closest friends which resulted in a huge loss of community.     These losses leveled me. I felt completely alone, unsure of our family’s financial state, and uncertain of our future. I was physically and emotionally exhausted; I had no energy, no hope.    I started sleeping during the day to escape the pain and fear. A friend called me during this time and told me that it was sunny and I should get out. I hadn’t even realized it was daytime. She asked if my daughter, who was 7 at the time, was being cared for. I told my friend I heard her rummaging around in the cupboards and the fridge, so I think she’s okay.    I was struggling with wanting to self-harm, and with thoughts of suicide, entertaining the fantasy brought comfort somehow, a possible way out. I was starting to scare myself. I found a website online, facingus.org, which encouraged you to create a care plan for those times when you may not be able to make decisions for yourself anymore, when you need someone to step in for your own good, your own safety. So I made a care plan and told my husband about it, so he would know who to call and what signals to look for. That was when I admitted things were getting critical and I needed more help than I was getting.    I made weekly appointments with my counselor and committed to seeing a psychiatrist once a month to manage my medication. Falling asleep at night had become increasingly difficult and frightening and it made my depression worse. I asked for something to help me sleep so I could at least regain the energy I needed to fight back. My counselor was intuitive and wise; she saw the symptoms of PTSD before I did. The losses had triggered flashbacks, anxieties, irrational fears, hyper vigilance, and insomnia. Her observation helped me understand why my depression had become so unmanageable and dangerous, and it offered me tangible means of engaging my symptoms with more confidence and hope.   One of the most helpful processes was identifying my need for self-care and finding creative, guilt-free ways to take care of myself when I needed it. My counselor helped me believe that I was worth caring for and that encouragement gave me the foundation I needed to begin serious recovery.    I have been taking advantage of these opportunities and advantages for over four years and I can say that my depression has diminished significantly and I am currently learning to value myself, address my PTSD triggers, and develop a self-care regimen. If there is even a slight suspicion that you may be experiencing depression or anxiety, I urge you to find someone to talk to and consider seeing a regularly and explore the possibility of medication.

Submitted by - Tammy Perlmutter (tammygrrrl@gmail.com)

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