Is this what a doctor feels like when they "did everything they could" to save someone's life and ultimately lose them? But what more could I have done, really? What more can anyone do when someone sees death as the only solution to a life of pain? We can’t control someone else’s actions. We can’t “fix” anyone else, no matter how hard we might try. I know that I did everything in my power to support her. But I still feel like a helpless six-year-old fatherless child all over again.
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My story begins with a panic attack that changed my life for ever. I honestly don’t remember why the first panic attack happened, but it was the most excruciating moment of my life at that time. All I can remember is that I couldn’t breathe and my whole body was numb. Some time passed and one day depression hit me. At first. I thought that it was sleep deprivation but it was much more serious. Then the panic attacks started occurring more and more and got to the point where I was unable to control them. They got so bad I just wanted the pain to stop. I started to plan. I knew what the easiest, most accessible way to take away the pain and that was the right concoction of pills that would take away the pain forever. I cleaned my room, took a shower, and then laid all the pills that I was going to swallow out on my bed. Then all of a sudden a voice said to me go to the hospital and get the help you need. I was afraid and alone and didn’t know what to do. I ended up going to the hospital and getting myself back together slowly but surely. To this day I am thankful that I didn’t kill myself because I have a life that is worth living.