What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. That’s what they say anyway. But death seemed like a sweet release from the nightmare I was trapped in. This is my story, my journey into overwhelming darkness and my struggle to find light again, to find hope and peace.
Looking back I realize I was always a little depressed, even as a child. There was a lot of emotional, and sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather. He was the monster in the dark. I was afraid of him, of what he would do next. Memories of the first time he molested me haunted me all my life.
I always expected the worst in people and myself. My stepfather had convinced me since I was little I was unworthy of real love.
A dark depression took hold of my life when my marriage began to end and consumed everything around me. Eventually I lost my job, my marriage, my home, my car, my son didn’t want to have anything to do with me, and then I lost all my belongings in a tornado. I sat in the ruins, just like I sat in the ruins of my life. I was done.
I tried to hide from my depression just like I tried to hide from my stepfather when I was little. I actually tried to hide in a closet from it. If it couldn’t see me, it couldn’t hurt me. Depression was the monster at the door now. I was terrified.
I felt like I had been dropped into someone else’s miserable life. There were so many voids in my life now, and nothing to replace the emptiness that was left. There was no semblance of my old life, nothing for me to drop anchor on.
If it hadn't been for my faith in God I would have never survived. From the painful ashes of my old life, a new life emerged. There are still days when I am overwhelmed with sadness, but with God's continued presence in my life I have found my anchor.