Someone calls it a crisis, others see it as emotionally unstable,
People ignore me, they say it’s nothing,
My mom cries, she fears that I’ll go crazy,
She fears that I’ll harm myself.
So I thought wouldn’t it be better for everything to have an end now?
I know that I wouldn’t do anything to myself.
Why? I don’t know. So I pause for a moment, then for a long time.
I feel numb. I’ve never experienced this before. I know what it means, but never be close.
I feel lost. At least, it feels good to admit that to myself. At least, I mean.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how long I am able to handle this.
“Isn’t it a bad thing?” I say it to myself.
Someone calls it a good thing.
Then, I ask “What makes you say that?”
“It’s good for growth.”
“How could that be possible when I’m almost on the verge of ending my life?”
“But you’re still alive. Right here and talking to me.”
“But almost, God knows what I am capable of doing if it happens again.”
“Well, the moment you step back from harming your own life, it’s like a moment of awakening.”
“Well only when you’ve ended up finding a solution to your life-long pathetic existent.”
“That’s not how it works, my dear.”
“Then, tell me how can I get this fucking stupid asshole work? How can I be motivated to get my ass off and do something to make my life less pathetic then?”
“How can I stop hurting people I love and care for? How can I stop making my loved ones cry because of all of my shits? How? Tell me then.”
“Love your faith.”
“Embrace your faith. Embrace everything that has ever happened to your life.”
“Well, can you stop talking shit by actually giving me something I am able to start with?”
“There is no step, no plan, and no short-term, no long-term goal. It is simple just like that.”
“Well, you can’t tell me to start loving my fucking life and be happy with all of the shits happening to me. It’s like you’re telling me to love my depression.”
“That’s not what I am telling you, my dear.”
“So what the hell are you trying to tell me then?”
“I understand how you’re feeling right now. I understand that you’re scared and unsure of what the future looks like to you. I understand that you feel lost. I understand that you feel vulnerable. But you’re still surviving. Isn’t it a miracle?”
“Apparently not when you’re still living in pain and misery.”
“Well, life is supposed to be filled with shits. That’s how we learn to survive as human beings. Shits are thrown at us all the time. It doesn’t mean that you have to learn to love your depression. That’s not what it means. Loving your faith is all about learning to forgive yourself no matter what has ever happened to your life. It is about learning to embrace the struggles, the challenges and moments of being stuck, lost, overwhelmed, vulnerable, but never giving up. You will never be able to love yourself if you never learn to love your faith. It’s intertwined, my dear. It’s like your mind and your soul that are never being separated.”
So, I pause for a moment.
I don’t know what to say, how to respond.
My mind is shut down for a moment.
I’m still processing.
Wait, it stops going crazy in the inside.
It’s like a miracle that I feel.
“Then, what should I do now?”
“My dear, you will figure it out by yourself as always.”
“That’s not helping.”
“Look, if it’s your faith, then it must be found by you. Nobody can do that, except you. You need to take ownership of your own faith.”
“It must take time, then.”
“Everything takes time, so take as much as you need.”
“Stand up when you’re ready.”