JOREZZA

What is it that makes people realize that a person is ill when she looks ill? Atypical Anorexia Nervosa is like the popular Anorexia Nervosa but with the absence of sudden weight loss. People won’t mind your illness because you don’t look anorexic. I was in high school when I had an eating disorder. It wasn’t Anorexia though, and I had Bulimia Nervosa. I didn’t realize when I was in high school, I thought it was normal. I even gave this false testimony that I am sick, that my body doesn’t like to accept too much food and that I am indeed normal. I would eat like most people do, three meals a day and sometimes more than that, but every food intake my mind will curse me for eating too much or even for just eating. Guilt will eat me instead and I will go to the restroom and purge. I’ll keep purging until there’s no food left, until I no longer feel that I ate.

I went to college and took up Psychology. That is when I realized that what I am doing isn’t normal, and it never was. I was so ashamed. I feel different but I still keep doing it, I feel like it’s in my system. During college, you see these pretty girls who are very skinny and I felt all the jealousy came up to me. I started thinking to myself that eating and purging doesn’t help me lose weight, I also wanted to be skinny and pretty. So then, I started to restrict my food intake. There would be times that I would only have coffee without sugar and cream, of course, then I’d take my laxative at night. There would be times when I had to eat, especially at dinner where I ate with my family. I seemed to never lose weight, though. I finished college and I already have a job, this time I’ll make sure I’ll lose weight; I was unable to use laxatives this time since I had to go to work in the morning and I can’t have myself going back and forth to the restroom. I did other things, and my friends would say that I need to eat some more to help me gain a little weight. I would look at the mirror and tell myself how fat I am, and every time my friend heard me they would always contradict how I see myself. But that never stopped me from thinking how fat I am. I wanted to be skinnier, lose all the fat I have from my body. Some will say that I am always overreacting and that I am just seeking attention. No one ever believed that I can’t stop myself from thinking how fat I am and how ugly I look.

I once visited a therapist but even he didn’t understand, telling me “You look okay and you’re not fat.” It never helped, not at all. I stopped going to the therapist since I don’t think it’s making me feel better. I am trying to be good, but it was never easy, I can’t stop my thoughts, the anxiety I feel whenever I eat. I wanted to stop myself from restricting food from my body and I wanted to stop myself from thinking I am ugly. I wanted to feel pretty and I don’t think I will ever feel or think about it. It was never an easy journey for me or for everyone. Just because I don’t look too anorexic for other people doesn’t mean I’m not.

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